During my few years as a therapist I have witnessed patients overcome the unthinkable. I have had the privilege of guiding strong individuals to find their own ways to adapt and move forward after facing the most difficult challenges in their lives. During this experience I have become more and more fascinated with the human spirit and with the choice to be resilient. Resilience is a layered attribute that cannot be fully described in a short article. These are just my personal observations of the resilient individuals I have had the honor to work with.

This is what I have learned so far:

1. Resilience does not always come naturally.

Like most behaviors resiliency is learned. We often develop our understanding of resiliency early on by observing our closest caregivers. Resilient individuals often have parents who communicated that when life throws you curve balls you can lean on your supports, search for solutions and that everything is temporary. Fortunately, if your parents struggled to demonstrate resilient behavior you can still develop resiliency. It is never too late to begin to adjust your thinking patterns and behaviors. Some individuals whose parents did not model resiliency simply decide they want a life that is different from what they have witnessed and choose resiliency. While developing resilience later on in life may not be easy. It is possible.

2.Being resilient does not mean that you always have positive thoughts.

There is often a misconception that therapists want you to “think positive!”. While thinking positive is not necessarily harmful it can become ineffective in your healing. Resilient individuals acknowledge their present feelings rather than force positivity. Why? The only thing that is worse than feeling bad is feeling bad for feeling bad. We invalidate our own emotions by telling ourselves “I shouldn’t feel this way.” or “ I would be happier if I just thought more positively!” It is okay to feel emotions outside of happiness. In fact it is healthy to do so. All emotions make sense. While some emotions are unpleasant to feel we should pay attention to them and try to use them as tools to motivate necessary behaviors. When we feel hungry we eat, when we are thirsty we drink, when we are tired we sleep. Telling yourself you shouldn’t feel hungry will not change the fact that you may need food. So when we are sad, angry, or stressed why don’t we become solution focused instead? Ask “why am I feeling this way?” and “what can I do to feel better?” We have all been guilty of pushing back our present emotions and at times that may be a survival tactic. This does not mean that you are not resilient but rather not ready to feel and heal. Resilient individuals move forward after experiencing adversity while unapologetically feeling whatever emotions come naturally during the process.

3. Being Resilient means accepting your limitations.

Accepting our limitations is not the same as giving up. We are so often conditioned to believe “If I just try harder than I can overcome this.” While, in many cases this may be true it is okay to let go and accept a different reality than what we may have pictured for ourselves. Resilient individuals pour their energy into what is realistic and within their control. They may allow themselves to grieve what could have been but they do not choose to stay stuck trying to force what is not possible. Instead they adapt their vision of what they thought they might be spending their time doing and become solution focused.

4. Resilient people are self compassionate.

Behaviors are not people. Therefore, mistakes do not define people. Resilient individuals understand that they are not defined by their mistakes and accept themselves fully; This includes their flaws, past, limitations and of course their strengths. Resilient people have healthy boundaries, stand up for themselves and when they are asked to do something that may compromise their health and well being they say “no.” While this may be difficult at times for individuals to do. Resilient people still do it anyways.

5. Resilient people take accountability.

Taking accountability does not just mean accepting responsibility for your mistakes and taking actions for changed behaviors. Taking accountability means taking responsibility for all of your behaviors. Resilient people understand that they are in control of their life and do not blame others if their life does not look the way they would like it to. Early on in my therapy training a mentor explained that we have to understand that with some issues “what happened to you may not be your fault, but it is your problem.” In life there will be situations where we will be wronged and wounded. While it is not our fault that we have faced these experiences it is our responsibility to take the steps to heal. It is our responsibility to get up and keep going. At the end of the day we are the ones that have to live our lives and choosing to be ruled by the things that have harmed us will not only prolong our healing but it will not bring justice, peace or joy to our lives.