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The Cognitive Triangle
How to Sit With Discomfort
Mindful Habits
Validating Yourself Can Sound Like...
Rose, Bud & Thorn Check-In
Self Care
Things I Can Control
Positive Self Talk
Sleep 101: Why Sleep Is So Important to Your Health
Sleep 101: Why Sleep Is So Important to Your Health
Erica Jansen
March 2, 2020
WHAT IS SLEEP EXACTLY, AND HOW DOES IT HELP US STAY HEALTHY?
Sleep is an altered state of consciousness where we have limited interactions with our surroundings and are relatively quiet and still (depending on the stage of sleep). Contrary to our quiet physical state, the brain is very active during sleep, carrying out many important functions. Sleep is essential to every process in the body, affecting our physical and mental functioning the next day, our ability to fight disease and develop immunity, and our metabolism and chronic disease risk. Sleep is truly interdisciplinary because it touches every aspect of health.
Sleep is essential to every process in the body, affecting our physical and mental functioning the next day, our ability to fight disease and develop immunity, and our metabolism and chronic disease risk.
HOW DOES WHAT WE EAT IMPACT OUR SLEEP?
It is well-known that certain substances, such as caffeine, can affect the onset of sleep in a negative way. On the other hand, evidence is growing that shows how other foods like tart cherries, kiwi, fatty fish (like salmon and tuna), and malted milk may have beneficial effects on sleep. More recently, studies have shown that healthy dietary patterns overall—not just specific foods—could be associated with longer sleep duration and shorter time to fall asleep.
WHY IS SLEEP SO IMPORTANT FOR YOUNG CHILDREN, AND WHAT ARE SOME OF THE COMMON NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF POOR SLEEP?
Sleep is important for every part of the body, and it is especially important for young children as their bodies and minds develop. In young children, lack of sleep or poor quality sleep can be associated with difficult behaviors, lower capacity to learn and retain information, and a propensity for poor eating patterns and weight gain.
WHAT SLEEP NEEDS DO ADOLESCENTS HAVE, AND WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR THE CURRENT CONVERSATIONS WE'RE HAVING AROUND SCHOOL-DAY START TIMES?
Adolescents need around 8-10 hours of sleep per night, but a high proportion do not get that amount. For example, recent estimates suggest that 60 percent of middle schoolers and 70 percent of high schoolers don’t get adequate sleep on school nights. This figure is even higher for Michigan high schoolers, which is at 80 percent. One of the main reasons adolescents are so sleep-deprived is that biological changes in their brain affect when they feel sleepy. So even if they are sleep-deprived, they often can’t go to bed early because their brain is not yet prepared to sleep.
In school districts that have enacted later school start times, research is consistently showing that students get more sleep and as a result have fewer motor vehicle accidents, better grades, and improved mental health.
The problem with these delayed bedtimes is that school or before-school activities often start very early, so adolescents may end up chronically sleep deprived. In school districts that have enacted later school start times, research is consistently showing that students get more sleep and as a result have fewer motor vehicle accidents, better grades, and improved mental health.
EVERY SPRING AND FALL WE CHANGE OUR CLOCKS BY AN HOUR. WHAT HEALTH IMPACTS DOES THIS CHANGE HAVE ON INDIVIDUALS AND ON THE PUBLIC’S HEALTH?
There are many calls from the sleep-research community to eliminate daylight savings time. When our clocks are pushed forward, people lose one hour of sleep. This one-hour sleep loss is associated with significantly more motor vehicle accidents as well as cardiac events. When our clocks move backward, we might think that extra hour helps us. But our sleep patterns are disrupted by any change like this, so the fall time change may also lead to negative health impacts. In general, these universal time changes create a significant and negative burden on the public’s health.
HOW IMPORTANT IS SLEEP FOR OUR MENTAL HEALTH?
Sleep and mental health go hand-in-hand. Good sleep is essential for maintaining our baseline mental health, as one night of sleep deprivation can dramatically affect mood the next day. Chronic exposure to poor sleep quality is associated with depression, anxiety, and other conditions. There are also bidirectional associations—meaning that experiencing anxiety and depression very often affects sleep, which then impacts our ability to cope with the anxiety and depression, and so on.
HOW DOES ALCOHOL IMPACT SLEEP?
Although alcohol may help a person fall asleep quickly, it hinders sleep quality, often causing fragmented (interrupted) sleep. When consuming alcohol, it is recommended to do so several hours before bedtime so that the alcohol is completely out of the system before sleep.
DOES SCREEN TIME REALLY AFFECT OUR SLEEP?
There is evidence to show that screen use right before bed could impact sleep. One reason is that the blue light emitted from these devices can affect the secretion of melatonin, the hormone that helps signal to the body that it is time to fall asleep. Other reasons include the content of what is on the screen. If you watch a scary movie, read an emotionally-driven article, or consume any other anxiety-producing content on your screen, it can affect your ability to fall asleep. Sleep clinicians recommend putting away all screens at least one hour before bed and to instead do some light reading or other relaxing activity.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): What It Is & Purpose
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a type of talk therapy for people who experience emotions very intensely. It’s a common therapy for people with borderline personality disorder, but therapists provide it for other mental health conditions as well.
Overview
What is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)?
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a type of talk therapy (psychotherapy). It’s based on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), but it’s specially adapted for people who experience emotions very intensely.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of talk therapy that helps people understand how thoughts affect emotions and behaviors.
“Dialectical” means combining opposite ideas. DBT focuses on helping people accept the reality of their lives and their behaviors, as well as helping them learn to change their lives, including their unhelpful behaviors.
Dialectical behavior therapy was developed in the 1970s by Marsha Linehan, an American psychologist.
What is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) used for?
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is especially effective for people who have difficulty managing and regulating their emotions.
DBT has proven to be effective for treating and managing a wide range of mental health conditions, including:
Eating disorders, specifically binge eating disorder and bulimia.
It’s important to note that the reason DBT has proved effective for treating these conditions is that each of these conditions is thought to be associated with issues that result from unhealthy or problematic efforts to control intense, negative emotions. Rather than depending on efforts that cause problems for the person, DBT helps people learn healthier ways to cope.
How do I find a DBT therapist?
A therapist can be a psychiatrist (a medical doctor who can prescribe medications), psychiatric nurse, psychologist, social worker or family therapist.
Finding the right therapist is often a time-consuming task, and DBT therapy isn’t any different. Try not to become discouraged. Talk to people you trust to give you a referral for a therapist who uses dialectical behavior therapy, whether it’s your primary healthcare provider or a friend or family member.
You can also search for therapists online through local and state psychological associations.
Be sure that any therapist you’re interested in seeing is a state-certified and licensed mental health professional and that they treat your area of concern (for example, eating disorders, borderline personality disorder, self-harm, etc.).
Most therapists’ websites list the conditions and problems they treat. If you have questions, call or email the therapist’s office before you choose.
It may be helpful to ask a potential DBT therapist the following questions:
What is the nature of your training in DBT?
Do you provide comprehensive DBT or a modification? If not comprehensive DBT, why not?
Do you belong to a DBT consultation team?
What’s your policy on phone calls and emails during the week?
How much time will you initially ask me to commit to for the entire therapy process?
Procedure Details
How does dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) work?
The main goal of therapists who use dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is to strike a balance between validation (acceptance) of who you are and your challenges and the benefits of change. Your therapist will help you learn new skills to improve emotion regulation.
The structure of dialectical behavior therapy can vary some from therapist to therapist, but, in general, DBT involves these four types of sessions:
DBT pre-assessment.
Individual therapy.
Skills training in groups.
Telephone crisis coaching.
DBT pre-assessment
Your therapist may offer an assessment before starting DBT. They’ll determine how suitable DBT is for you by asking you questions and explaining how DBT works. If you decide that DBT is the right therapy for you, they’ll ask you to commit to the treatment and the length of treatment.
Individual DBT therapy
Individual DBT therapy involves weekly sessions with your therapist. Each session lasts about 40 minutes to 60 minutes.
Individual DBT therapy sessions have the following goals:
To help keep you safe by reducing suicidal and self-harming behaviors, if applicable.
To limit behaviors that get in the way of productive therapy.
To help you reach your goals and improve your quality of life by addressing what’s blocking your progress, such as mental health conditions or relationship issues.
To help you learn new skills to replace unhelpful behaviors.
Your therapist will likely ask you to keep a diary to track your emotions and actions and to look for patterns of behavior. You’ll bring this diary with you to your sessions so you and your therapist can decide what to work on for each session.
DBT skills training in groups
In these sessions, your therapist will teach you skills in a group setting. This isn’t to be confused with group therapy, in which you discuss your problems with others. Think of it more like a teaching and learning session in a classroom setting.
DBT skills aim to help enhance your capabilities in day-to-day life. The four skills your therapist will teach include:
Mindfulness: This is the practice of being fully aware and focused in the present instead of worrying about the past or future.
Distress tolerance: This involves understanding and managing your emotions in difficult or stressful situations without responding with harmful behaviors.
Interpersonal effectiveness: This means understanding how to ask for what you want and need and setting boundaries while maintaining respect for yourself and others.
Emotion regulation: This means understanding, being more aware of and having more control over your emotions.
Telephone crisis coaching
DBT often involves telephone crisis coaching to support you in your daily life. This means you can call your therapist at certain times for support between sessions.
Examples of when you may need to call your therapist include:
When you need help with an immediate crisis, such as wanting to self-harm.
When you’re trying to use the DBT skills you learned but want some advice on how to do it.
However, your therapist will set clear boundaries about when you can call them, such as during an agreed-upon range of time during the day.
Crisis coaching functions on an as-needed basis. The calls are usually brief, and they shouldn’t replace the work of individual or group sessions.
Risks / Benefits
What are the benefits and risks of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)?
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) has been proven to help people with their mental health conditions in several studies. For people with borderline personality disorder, in particular, DBT results in:
Less self-harm behavior and anger.
Fewer days of inpatient hospitalization.
Less drug and alcohol misuse.
Improved depressive symptoms.
However, DBT isn’t for everyone, and it can be very difficult. DBT is more likely to work for you if you:
Are committed to making positive changes.
Are ready to fully commit to therapy and do homework assignments.
Are ready to focus mostly on your present and future, rather than your past.
Feel able to do some sessions in a group with others.
Recovery and Outlook
How long will I need dialectical behavior therapy?
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) usually takes at least six months to a year. However, each person is unique, and mental health conditions are complex. You shouldn’t expect to be completely free of symptoms or no longer have problematic behaviors after one year of DBT.
Many therapists believe that the treatment for borderline personality disorder, in particular, can often take several years.
Try not to get discouraged by how long it may take to be able to better manage your emotions and have a better quality of life. The important thing is that you’re seeking help. Any progress is good progress.
When to Call the Doctor
When should I see my healthcare provider or therapist while doing DBT?
It’s important to go to all of your scheduled individual DBT therapy sessions and group skill training sessions.
If you’re experiencing a crisis, such as feeling suicidal, and can call your therapist, do so.
If your therapist is unavailable, call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. Someone will be available to talk with you 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.
A note from Cleveland Clinic
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is an effective treatment to help people who experience very intense, negative emotions. Although it may be difficult and time-consuming to find the right DBT therapist for you, it’s important to keep trying. The sooner you can start therapy — and stay committed to it — the sooner you’ll have an improved quality of life.
Start of Week Check-In
Psychology Tips for New Year's Resolutinos
Psychology Tips for New Year's Resolutions
Michelle Konstantinovsky October 26, 2023
It's a classic scenario: our New Year’s resolutions often fade, and fast.
People love to set goals, and setting objectives can lead to meaningful change, whether it's quitting smoking, cutting back on alcohol, or getting fit or more organized. But sticking to goals is often much harder than jotting them down. One study found that about 64% (nearly two-thirds) of people abandon their New Year's resolutions within a month. It's practically part of the tradition.
So what will help make this year different?
Appreciate the Aspirations
You crack open a new planner or calendar and imagine what could be.
"The New Year serves as a cyclical marker of time during which we reevaluate and take inventory on our lives,” says clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, clinical psychologist and professor at New York's Yeshiva University. “The drive for making resolutions is motivated by this punctuation in time. [It] activates hope and expectations for what we hope to achieve going forward.”
With a new year comes a "sense of renewal," says psychologist Mariana Strongin, PsyD. That makes us think about what we want to improve or change.
But while that blank slate feeling can be inspiring, we can also get carried away.
Think About How, Not Just What
Imagining change can be exciting. But it's going to need some structure to last.
“Often people do not map out or think about what it will take to accomplish a goal or make a resolution and instead rely on the excitement of the new year as the thing that will push them to accomplish their goal,” says Amanda E. White. She’s a therapist, speaker, and the author of Not Drinking Tonight.
Then it wears off.
Or perhaps your goal was too rigid, or you didn't allow enough time to reach it.
If you set a super-specific goal, such as a a precise body weight, "it can be challenging to persevere in your efforts toward it if results are not immediate," Romanoff says. " Goals take time, and many folks become discouraged and eventually relent before attaining the goal.”
Look Back, Then Move Forward
If you find yourself making the same resolution each time January rolls around, do some detective work.
“Without examining where we are resistant to change ... the cycle of resolve, relapse, repeat continues year after year.”
Britt Frank
“We often set lofty goals for the future without honestly assessing why we’ve struggled in the past,” Britt Frank, a trauma specialist and author of The Science of Stuck. “Without examining where we are resistant to change ... the cycle of resolve, relapse, repeat continues year after year.”
Change is possible. Check on what’s holding you back. “Breaking behavioral cycles requires a rigorous commitment to honesty at all costs,” Frank says.
Consider the Pace: Quick Win or Long Run?
“Divide your goals between those that can be accomplished either in the long or short term,” Romanoff says. Short-term goals are quick wins. Long-term goals are going to take more time.
Romanoff's advice: If you have a long-term goal, create an action plan which links it to near-term achievable and realistic goals.
Achieve Big Goals Bit by Bit
You’ve probably heard that you should break big goals into smaller ones.
But why?
“We must begin to feel a sense of mastery in order to keep going.” – Marianna Strongin
“As humans we are driven by the feeling of mastery,” Strongin says. "So rather than making a goal of ‘becoming fit,’ I would make the goal of ‘working out three times a week for at least 45 minutes each time.’ By breaking down the goal into quantifiable measures, we are more likely to feel good about ourselves and even more likely to continue.”
White agrees. “We only achieve goals by taking small steps daily or weekly. If we want to eat healthier, we must change our eating choices daily. If we want to run a marathon, we must commit to running a certain number of miles every week.
In general, breaking a goal into the smallest step possible makes it more likely that you will follow through. We tend to get overwhelmed and give up when a goal is too lofty.
Set Positive Goals
Research shows that you’re more likely to accomplish a goal that is specific and based on doing something instead of avoiding something.
For example, if you want to complain less in the new year, you are more likely to accomplish it if you phrase it as, "I will create a gratitude list and write down three things I am grateful for every day." This resolution is about an action you'll take, not something you want to stop doing.
Get Your Goals in Sync
Are your resolutions in conflict? That will make one or the other tougher, or impossible, to keep.
“Make sure that your goals have a synergistic effect so that working on one does not lead to the detriment of another.”
Sabrina Romanoff
For instance, if you set a goal to save money and another to travel more, those goals could collide.
“Make sure you are not twisting yourself in a pretzel and that your goals have a synergistic effect so that working on one does not lead to the detriment of another,” Romanoff says.
Accept Some Losses
Success can feel great. But it may come with some other emotions, too.
“It is crucial to understand that achieving ‘big goals’ is going to involve a degree of grief and loss,” Frank says. “Why? When we get healthier, happier and more successful, our relationships change, pressure increases, and the familiarity and comfort ... is challenged.”
It's often an adjustment. “If we focus only on the benefits and deny the costs of behavioral change, we are unlikely to stick to our resolutions,” Frank says.
Outsmart Your Obstacles
Do you have a backup plan?
What will you do when the weather is too bad for the walk or run you resolved to do? How about when you're feeling low and are tempted to spend, eat, or drink more than you planned? Or if your new routine starts to feel boring?
“Make sure you consider the things that could get in the way of accomplishing your goal and then build in ways to overcome those obstacles in your goal,” Romanoff says.
Be SMART About It
You may have heard of “‘SMART’ goals: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timebound.
They're key to lasting behavior change, says Matt Glowiak, PhD, licensed clinical professional counselor and author of A Year of Finding Your Callings: Daily Practices to Uncover Your Passion and Purpose..
For instance, if your resolution is to quit smoking, Glowiak says a SMART goal could look like this:
Specific: You identify one specific goal. In this case, it’s “I want to quit smoking.”
Measurable: You put a number on your goal. Is it to have smoked 0 times this week, or a specific number of cigarettes less than the day or week before? You need a measurable way to track your progress.
Attainable: Do a reality check. For instance, is quitting smoking cold turkey practical for you or would you do better gradually cutting down until you’ve quit?
Time bound: Decide when you aim to reach each milestone and your final goal. You may also want to celebrate each step along the way, which can help you stay motivated.
With health goals such as quitting smoking, changing your diet, or improving your fitness, your doctor can help you know what’s realistic and what will help. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own.
Use Your Values for Motivation
Your values are like a compass. They constantly inform and guide behavior, Romanoff says. And they can help you remember why you set your resolution in the first place.
For instance, Romanoff recommends avoiding a goal like reaching a certain weight. Instead, consider the value behind it, such as if better health is the value driving you.
“Channel those values as incentive for your goal,” Romanoff says. “The ‘why’ behind your goal will ground it in purpose and contextualize the resolution in a meaningful way.”
Holiday Self Care Tips
Holiday Survival Guide: Family Style
Holiday Survival Guide: Family Style
NOVEMBER 14, 2019 12:02 AM ET
By Julia Furlan
When the halloween candy goes on sale and the dulcet tones of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" are piping out of every store speaker, it can mean GO TIME for some folks. But there are also a lot of people who get a very familiar pit in their stomach when the holidays roll around. Holidays can mean exhaustion, confronting familial trauma, managing your uncle's opinions and all kinds of overload.
We asked Life Kit listeners for their trickiest situations around family and the holidays and invited Dr. Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist, to offer advice. Here are some excerpts of the letters we received along with some advice that will hopefully help you weather this holiday season with strength if the cheer and goodwill are hard to find. (And don't forget to listen to the full episode so you can hear more questions and all of the wisdom!)
We're only using first names to identify the people who wrote in with questions, since their inquiries involve family relationships and are sensitive in nature.
Tl;dr Bah Humbug
"The message that I hear around the holidays is that it's all about family. But I don't have that. It becomes stressful to try and find something I can do to fill that for Thanksgiving and for Christmas which seems to last for a full two months. Also people will say that one of the great things about the holidays is that there is a feeling of love for strangers and our neighbors. But I feel the opposite way! I feel completely alienated. I hate people during the holiday season. They're awful. Have you ever tried to go shopping? They're rude in the parking lots and in the lines. It's all awful." — Tory
This letter is so relatable and speaks to a very real alienation and loneliness that can come up around the holidays. For any number of reasons — if you're estranged or far away from family, if you don't celebrate the holiday or even if the whole thing simply rubs you the wrong way — it can be that much more difficult to watch everyone else operating at that egg-nog-for-breakfast-inject-candy-canes-into-my-bloodstream level.
Andrea's advice is simple: find a way to derive your own meaning from the holidays. "Maybe you can derive meaning from the holidays as a time that you kind of cocoon into yourself and you do let yourself be a little bit frustrated with things but you treat yourself better," she advises. "So many times the pressure and the alienation comes from this idea that we're supposed to feel a certain way." Dr. Bonior recommends volunteering or even scheduling a brunch with a friend who gets it and creating a tradition around that. "The more that we can feel in control that, hey we're we're choosing this, the more soothing it can be and the less left out we'll feel because we're actively choosing what to do with our time." So go ahead and take on the yoga challenge or bake 45 different kinds of muffins or host an anti-holiday party if that's what suits you.
My Family Doesn't Accept Me
"I came out as a trans woman to my family several months ago and I haven't had a holiday with my extended family yet. I know my mom is coming around but my dad isn't and no extended family knows. I'm worried about whether I'll have to pretend to be a boy for a week or if I'll even be welcome at all. I'm dreading constantly being misgendered and treated like the nephew grandson I always presented to them rather than who I actually am. I'm dreading disguising myself just to make my family happy at my own expense."
— Vivian
This letter is heartbreaking, and very representative of many of the letters in the Life Kit inbox where a listener expresses their anxiety and dread at not being accepted by their families. Dr. Bonior's advice in this case is to find an ally and have an exit strategy. She says that this letter writer might consider sitting out this holiday and simply Skyping in for a few minutes to mitigate some of the trauma, but says that it's promising that mom is coming around. "You need an ally to help you be understood and eventually, in an ideal world, her mom can work on the other family members too," Dr. Bonior says.
An escape plan is also a big recommendation in this case, whether it involves actually taking a break from the event — by going on a walk or calling a supportive friend — or coming up with a few safe topics to bring up in case a conversation goes off the rails. "Give yourself permission to change gears. Sometimes, that permission is hard to come by. We feel guilty about it but really you need to protect your own emotional health and you deserve that."
This Holiday Glorifies Genocide
"My husband and I are white and adopted our son from South America many years ago. Last year, at 30, he embraced his native South American heritage and spends all of Thanksgiving in mourning and protest for the horrible things that have been perpetrated on native peoples. While I sympathize I view Thanksgiving as time to spend with friends and family to enjoy a good meal and to socialize. He has also become vegan which puts lots of pressure on hosts to accommodate his needs. I want to be respectful of his very real concerns and choices but the rest of my family is not understanding and feels resentment that he doesn't just fit in. If I side with my son, the rest of the family suffers. If I side with the rest of my family, my son suffers." — Laura
A lot of holiday family gatherings will have at least one person attending who doesn't really feel like participating for any number of reasons. Dr. Bonior says that the way to solve this conundrum is to make space for that person to address their concerns. "It sounds like there's a false dichotomy here I've got to side with my family or with my son when in reality I would think OK how can we honor some of his beliefs and and ask to incorporate it." If people roll their eyes when your son speaks to the table about the atrocities committed against native people, go ahead and let them Dr. Bonior says. "I would start with asking the son how can I take you out of a box here and actually hear more about the nuance of what you do believe in and how that could be incorporated into the day," she says. Listening to one another despite differences in tradition and opinion is something that most folks will likely toast to (and if they don't, hopefully they'll at least sit through it respectfully.)
Everyone's Needs Are More Important Than Mine
"Experience has shown me that someone always forgets something important. So I have just maintained the sanity as much as possible by planning everything. I make a checklist and just start marking things off so that nothing is left behind that is important in keeping the peace on the road trip. Then there's the issue of traveling with an 85-year-old man who has to urinate almost before we pull out of the driveway, and together with my husband who is not the most understanding person about the needs of an 85-year-old man. Then I have two sons and a daughter. My daughter's needs, equally, are as important as my 85-year-old father. She also needs to go to the restroom often enough that it makes my husband crazy. So, there's that battle.There's the battle of arriving, of course, with peace and safely. The last person on the list for any of these road trip necessities is myself. — Yolanda
This listener has really hit the nail on the head of what the holidays can be in some families: a time when everyone in a very, very large group is putting their needs on one (or a few) of the family's matriarchs who are struggling to do a TON of emotional, physical and mental labor in the interest of the holidays. Dr. Bonior says this is very common. "I hear this from so many women in particular, it's certainly not exclusive to them," she says.
Her advice for this listener is to ask her family to support her. "It's a matter of maybe asking more from her family, and I imagine she thinks that they're not going to come through for her," Dr. Bonior says. "That could be a problem, but if it is a problem then I truly see it as an issue that is worthy of being addressed because what's the alternative? She does this every single year?" Dr. Bonior says that the exhaustion and overextended nature of this listener is going to ultimately lead to resentment, which is bad for everyone. So, if this resonates with you as you're surveying a kitchen that looks like a crime scene for dishes, or if you're having anxiety dreams about wrapping paper, remember that you *can* ask your family for support. Asking your partner to show up for you can be especially difficult, but go ahead and trust Dr. Bonior on this one: "Maybe she's bought 19 gifts for the past 10 years and made sure everything was perfect and ironed the tablecloths and made things festive. But now she's ready to simplify. She'll probably actually be a lot happier and maybe everyone else will too."
Boundaries Sound Like...
Can little actions bring big joy? Researchers find 'micro-acts' can boost well-being
Can little actions bring big joy? Researchers find 'micro-acts' can boost well-being
NOVEMBER 14, 202312:58 PM ET
It's 8 a.m., and your in-box is filling up. You spot an email about a colleague's promotion. Do you scroll past or take a moment to give props? Or, you're in line at the coffee shop, where it's easy to tune everyone out. But, today, you decide to pick up the tab for the person behind you.
How might a small act like this influence your mood later today, tonight or throughout this week?
An analysis released Tuesday from scientists behind a research initiative called the BIG JOY Project finds that people who commit daily "micro-acts" of joy experience about a 25% increase in emotional well-being over the course of a week.
"We're really excited," says Emiliana Simon-Thomas, a BIG JOY project leader, and science director of the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley. "There are statistically significant, measurable changes [including] greater well-being, better coping, less stress, more satisfaction with relationships."
The BIG JOY Project is a collaboration between UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center and other research institutions. So far the researchers have preliminary results from over 70,000 participants in more than 200 countries. "What we're really focused on is understanding impact and the potential for change in people's lives," Simon-Thomas. Overall, the new analysis shows micro-acts led to increased feelings of hope, optimism, as well as moments of fun or silliness.
This project did not begin as a typical research study, but rather a 'citizen-science' project which is still open to anyone who wants to participate. Here's how it works. Participants take an on-line survey to answer questions about their emotions, stress, and their social tendencies. Then, every day for seven consecutive days, they agree to try small, happiness-boosting activities, what the researchers have dubbed "micro-acts" of joy.
All of the recommended micro-acts have been linked to emotional well-being in prior published studies. Examples include making a gratitude list or journal, or engaging in acts of kindness such as visiting a sick neighbor or doing a nice gesture for a friend – or a stranger. Some micro-acts involve celebrating another person's joy, or engaging in self reflection, meditation, or taking the time to identify the silver lining in a bad situation, known as positive reframing.
Each day, people answer questions about what they did and how they felt afterwards. At the end of the week, they take another survey to gauge how their emotions and sense of well-being have changed.
A sense of agency
When people intentionally plan out a daily micro-act, it may help them feel as if they have a bit of control over their emotions, explains researcher Elissa Epel, a BIG JOY collaborator, and a professor of psychiatry, at the University of California, San Francisco. "So there's this feeling of agency," Epel says, and that could be one explanation for the improvements in well-being seen in the survey.
For instance, participants were asked how much they agreed with the statement: "I have felt able to impact, influence, or play an active role in how happy I generally feel." The participants' level of agreement with this statement increased by about 27%, over the course of the week.
Since all participants chose to be part of the project, it's likely they were hoping for a benefit. But it's not clear if everyone — even people who don't believe small acts can be beneficial – would see the same results. "We haven't randomly assigned a group of people to do the seven day [program]," Simon-Thomas says, so without control group data, the results are all preliminary. The researchers plan to run some controlled studies and publish results in the future.
A tool for spreading well-being
At a time when global conflicts, political divide, and societal problems may seem insurmountable, some may question whether small acts of joy can help make a difference? The answer, the researchers say, stems from the ideas of the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who both spoke about how it's possible to feel joy even in the midst of suffering, and to use that feeling to help do good.
The BIG JOY project began as a collaboration with documentary filmmakers who produced a 2021 film called Mission: Joy, which aimed to illuminate this message. "They really wanted to spread the wisdom that we have more control over our happiness than we know," Epel says.
Epel has spent decades studying how stress affects the body, and she says it's been surprising to see the benefits of micro-acts of joy. "These very short practices are clearly having a positive residue," Epel says. She's come to think of the micro-acts as "tools at our fingertips" that we can use in the moment to relieve feelings of stress, anxiety and worry.
Of course, it's important to point out what micro-acts cannot accomplish. They are not a replacement for therapy or medications used for serious mental health challenges, including depression. And, the researchers point out, it's also not appropriate to think micro-acts can help overhaul the struggles of someone whose basic needs are not met. "It would be embarrassing and shameful to be like, hey, you don't have enough to eat, why don't you try Big Joy," Simon-Thomas says.
But she says, the hope is that the joy that emanates from micro-acts may help spur some people to get involved in the greater good — whether it's in your community, your workplace, your school, or an organization you admire. "What we're hoping is that when people finish Big Joy they have that sense that, oh, my happiness is contingent in part on how generous and invested I am in common humanity," Simon-Thomas says.
Starting a new practice
At a time when random acts of kindness could be viewed as bumper sticker cliché, researchers say it's important to continue to nail down potential benefits through rigorous studies.
"I appreciate the skepticism," says Judith Moskowitz, a social scientist at Northwestern University, Feinberg School of Medicine, who is not involved in the new Big Joy analysis. The body of research on positive psychology has to date produced mixed results. And Moskowitz says the ongoing research creates an opportunity to better understand the effects of these small steps.
Moskowitz's own research has shown a series of small steps (similar to those used in the Big Joy project) can help people cope during bad situations. For instance, she found caregivers caring for a sick loved one were able to tamp down anxiety after going through a 5-week course.
"So many of the things that are causing us stress and sadness are out of our control," Moskowitz says. "So these micro moments can give you something to hold on to," she explains, and help you stay engaged.
"Decades of research have shown that even in the context of really stressful events or sickness, there is absolutely the capacity to experience moments of positive emotion as well," she says.
Rather than thinking of joy as something that happens to you, it may make sense to think of it as a skill that you can get better at through practice, says Simon-Thomas. "If you want to stay physically fit, you have to keep exercising," Simon-Thomas says, and the same likely goes for well-being, she says.
Just as the benefits of exercise wear off, so too do the effects of these micro-acts.
"I feel optimistic. I feel more relaxed. I feel more supported in the world when I engage in these micro practices myself," says Simon-Thomas. "I just believe that humans can change for the better," she says.
One way to get started with the Big Joy concept, is to plan out the moment of your micro-act each day. Maybe build it into your daily dog-walking routine, that's a good time to make a mental gratitude list, or look for an opportunity to chat with a neighbor.
"Part of this is intention setting," Simon-Thomas says. "If you have a map to where you're going to go, you're much more likely to go there," she says.
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How to change your kid's behavior, according to the host of a hit parenting podcast
How to change your kid's behavior, according to the host of a hit parenting podcast
Updated October 12, 20229:08 AM ET
This is a typical morning with my three kids, all under age 10. The youngest one wants help putting on her shoes. The oldest is whining about how she has "nothing" to wear. And the middle daughter is growing increasingly anxious that we are "GOING TO BE LATE!"
My initial reaction in this scenario — before they start smacking each other — is to sanction my kids. I might threaten to take away their screen time or make them sit alone in their rooms.
But clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy, author of the new book Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, says parents should try another approach. Rather than using timeouts and consequences to change a child's behavior, parents should make an effort to understand why their kid is acting out in the first place.
To do that, says Kennedy, parents have to assume their child is inherently "good inside" – that they have good intentions and want to do the right thing. This mindset can help parents avoid making assumptions about their child's character — and focus their attention instead on unpacking the root reasons of the behavior. Doing so, she says, creates an opportunity for parents to show validation and empathy to their child and encourage their personal growth.
Kennedy, a mother of three based in New York City and host of the hit parenting podcast and online community Good Inside, talks to Life Kit about strategies for common behavioral issues in young children. This conversation has been edited for length and clarity. Additional context has been added to the questions.
Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist, the host of the podcast Good Inside with Dr. Becky and the author of Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be.
How does the "good inside" mentality help when a kid is, say, acting out?
Let's say my three-year-old son just hit his sister. That is not at all good behavior. But if I base my mindset on the idea that my kid is "good inside," then I can activate curiosity. Why is my kid hitting his sister?
When I don't operate from that foundation, it's easy to put frustration, anger and judgment in the driver's seat and think, "What is wrong with my kid? Do I have kids who are never going to get along?"
The idea of "good inside" [helps parents] see the identity of our kid as separate from a descriptor of a behavior.
So let's walk through how you would deal with your son in this situation. Your first step, you say, is to address the hitting.
Right. So I might say [to my son], "I'm not going to let you hit your sister." Then I'd look at my daughter and say, "Ouch, I know that hurt. That wasn't OK."
And instead of disciplining the kid who's hitting, which is what my instinct would be as a parent, your approach is to actually connect with that child. To you, that means making an effort to understand what's going on and help them feel confident, capable and worthy. What does that look like in the real world?
So let's stay with the hitting example. A "connection-first" experience [from a parent would be like]: whoa, it's clearly not OK to hit and also I have a good kid. He's struggling. I should connect to him. [To do that], I'm going to look at my son and say, "You're having a hard time. I'm here. We're going to figure it out together." I am connecting to the kid having a hard time.
I'm not hearing any consequences to your son for hitting his sister. Some parents might take issue with that — for many, disciplining is a way to show kids that what they're doing is wrong. Why do you prefer connection over behavior correction, as you say in your book?
[Chastising a child when they exhibit bad behavior] only increases their shame and belief inside of, "See? This part of me is so bad and so unlovable."
What happens if a parent chooses the discipline route and yells at their child for hitting? How can they repair the connection with their kid?
The key elements to a repair — or some version of saying you're sorry — is sharing your reflections with your kid about what happened, then saying what you wish you had done differently.
Something like, "Hey, last week something happened and maybe you're not remembering it, but I'm remembering it and I want to bring it up again. I yelled at you big time. I was having a lot going on at work and I was having big feelings that came out in a yelling voice. And just like we talk about you learning to manage feelings, well, guess what? I'm still learning that too. It's never your fault when I yell. I love you."