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6 Tips on Being More Assertive to Reduce Stress and Anxiety
Marlynn Wei M.D., J.D.
Key points
New research indicates that learning to be more assertive can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression.
Saying no and setting boundaries is not the same as being mean or impolite.
Being assertive is context-dependent; you do not have to be equally assertive in every situation.
New research suggests that learning how to be assertive can significantly reduce stress, anxiety, and depression. Assertiveness is a communication skill that allows you to express your needs, feelings, emotions, and thoughts in a balanced and respectful manner, without violating the right of others. Practicing assertiveness can improve your self-esteem, agency, and self-confidence. This skill is crucial for managing stress, reducing anxiety, and preventing depression and burnout.
Understanding Assertiveness
Assertiveness involves expressing oneself in a balanced manner that respects both your needs and the needs of others. Two contrasting modes of communication are passive and aggressive, on opposite sides of the spectrum. In the passive mode, one prioritizes other people's needs constantly over one's own, which can lead to depression, low self-esteem, feeling helpless, lack of agency, frustration, and resentment. On the other end, there is the aggressive mode of communication, in which one's own needs is prioritized in a way that violates the rights of others.
Being able to negotiate one's own needs with others in an assertive way is essential for achieving balanced relationships and a strong sense of agency and self-confidence. Being on either end of the spectrum—either too passive or too aggressive—can result in higher levels of stress, anxiety, and depression.
New Research on Assertiveness
Recent studies reveal the positive benefits of assertiveness. Research shows that people who learn how to communicate assertiveness experience lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. Assertiveness also increases self-esteem, self-empowerment, and effectiveness at being a leader. The new study found that assertiveness training weekly for 10 weeks significantly improved levels of stress, anxiety, and depression for those who received the training compared to those who did not. This finding is consistent with previous research suggesting that learning assertiveness improves self-esteem, work engagement, and leadership effectiveness.
6 Assertiveness Tips to Get Started
1. Saying no and setting boundaries is not the same thing as being mean or impolite. Learning when and how to say no and set boundaries is essential for reducing stress and anxiety and preventing chronic burnout. If you were raised to be constantly accommodating to others without question, then standing up for yourself and speaking up may feel challenging, uncomfortable, and unfamiliar at first. People new to assertiveness will often experience a lot of difficulty expressing their needs and negotiating them with others and may also fear rejection or that they will be seen as asking for too much, offensive, or rude. Remember that asserting your boundaries respectfully is a form of self-respect and is a long-term personal and professional investment.
2. Boundaries come in many forms, including emotional, physical, time, energy, resource, social, digital, work, material, and spiritual. Learning the different types of boundaries is an important first step. Emotional boundaries protect your feelings. For example, observe if certain people consistently belittle, criticize or undermine your feelings or emotional needs. Time and energy boundaries protect how you want to spend your limited time. Work boundaries include deciding your limits on working after hours and how available you want to be to those at work. Enforcing these boundaries protects you from chronic stress, burnout, and fatigue.
3. Recognize physical and emotional signals of your boundaries being crossed—your body often "knows" before your mind. It is important to learn how to identify the physical and emotional signals that you are not asserting your boundaries and they are being crossed. Your body will often "know" before your mind does that your boundaries are being crossed. When someone crosses your boundaries, your mind and body can react with a wide range of signals—from shutting down, feeling numb and dissociated to being irritable and short with others, feeling angry, resentful, and overwhelmed. The body can also signal boundary crossing by physical pain, such as getting headaches or feeling nauseated.
Burnout symptoms of anxiety, fatigue, exhaustion, headaches, depression, and irritability are common signs that one is not recognizing or enforcing one's boundaries. Learning these signals is very important and takes time, especially if you were trained early on in childhood to ignore these signs and to override your own instincts and just follow marching orders.
4. Being assertive is context-dependent and does not mean you have to be equally assertive in every situation. Knowing when and how to be assertive requires nuance and a careful assessment of each situation. Research has found that assertiveness has an inverted U-shaped relationship with leadership effectiveness, meaning you don't want to end up being seen as either too passive or too aggressive. Interpersonal assertiveness requires a constant assessment of factors in individual situations and weighing the risks and benefits. There is no one-size-fits-all approach.
5. Expect possible resistance from those used to your non-assertiveness. If you have been accommodating in your relationships, people in your life may have come to expect or rely on this dynamic. Adjusting to your newfound assertiveness might disrupt established patterns. Some people may not be as supportive as you would hope, especially if they have relied on you being an accommodating person to them.
A chronic lack of assertiveness can cultivate imbalanced or one-way relationships involving self-sacrifice and people-pleasing behaviors. As you integrate more assertiveness into your relationships, some people may not react positively. For example, if you tended to always be available to a friend or family member to hear about their problems and begin to enforce better boundaries and are now less available, they may feel disappointed or upset. It is important to offer yourself self-compassion and room for growth. People who have counted on your being accommodating to them may balk at the fact that you are no longer as available to them or that you are only willing to engage in a more balanced and reciprocal relationship.
6. Be patient and offer yourself self-compassion as you learn and practice assertiveness. The journey toward refining your version of assertiveness can be a long but worthwhile one. Developing and practicing assertiveness is an investment both in yourself and toward creating long-term healthy personal and professional relationships.
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Why We Love Fall So Much, According to Psychology
If you’re not a die-hard fan of fall, chances are good that you know someone who is. They can be spotted sipping pumpkin spice lattes, snapping photos of the vibrant foliage, and savoring sweater weather.
But is there something deeper than autumn’s colors and flavors that make people downright obsessed with this season? Perhaps, according to psychology experts, who say there are some distinct qualities of fall to which people feel deeply drawn.
Fall’s Fresh Start Effect
Fall can fit into our lives in a similar way to that of a birthday or a new year. They’re all temporal landmarks, or moments that create a structure for how we see and use time.1
“Temporal landmarks divide life into distinct mental phases. They allow us to put in the past negative experiences and propel a fresh outlook,” says Yasmine Saad, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder and director of psychological services at Madison Park Psychological Services.
Temporal landmarks divide life into distinct mental phases. They allow us to put in the past negative experiences and propel a fresh outlook.
— Yasmine Saad, PhD
Research shows that experiencing temporal landmarks can boost motivation to pursue goals.1 And in fall—a season we’re socially conditioned to associate with going back to school—that motivation may be directed toward our careers in adulthood.
“As young kids, we learned that the fall is filled with new people, places, and opportunities. It's when we got all of our new school supplies and were excited to dive into new activities. That association stays with us into adulthood,” says Ronit Levy, PsyD, director of Bucks County Anxiety Center. “There is a feeling of excitement and promise in the air.
Other Psychological Reasons We Love Fall
Our obsession with fall may go beyond the season’s status as a temporal landmark, though. Part of it may have to do with the comfort of getting back into a steady routine after summer.
“During the summer, people tend to travel for vacation and have less predictable schedules. Once fall starts, most people resume their everyday routines, making it easier for friends to get together and socialize. There is a comfortable routine that this season brings,” says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind.
The weather may also present some mental health benefits. The cooler temperatures and spectacular foliage encourage us to spend time in nature, which has been connected with improvements in our happiness, wellbeing, relationships, and sense of having a life purpose.2
“In addition, with cooler temperatures comes clarity of thinking, in contrast to the fogginess associated with warmer temperatures,” says Dr. Saad.
Plus, swapping out our summer clothes for cozy fall gear can take some of the pressure off our physical appearance, says Dr. Levy. In that way, we can be more at ease with our bodies and ourselves.
“Depending on where you live, fall usually means the end of swimsuit season. People tend to feel more comfortable about their bodies and appearance in the fall because they're wearing more or bulkier clothing,” she adds. That, combined with the social acceptance to indulge in Halloween candy and decadent fall foods, means “there's less body shame and pressure to diet in order to maintain a picture-perfect, beach-ready body.”
People tend to feel more comfortable about their bodies and appearance in the fall because they're wearing more or bulkier clothing.
— Ronit Levy, PsyD
Speaking of Halloween, it’s just one of many holidays we look forward to this time of year. Just around the corner are Thanksgiving and the major winter holidays, and we begin to anticipate the celebrations and gatherings with loved ones almost as soon as summer ends.
“Holidays can have you feeling nostalgic, which can play a role in people's excitement for the upcoming months,” says Dr. Hafeez. “We tend to create unconscious associations with specific times in our lives that make us the happiest.
Making the Most of the Season
Considering the array of benefits fall can bring to our lives, it can be a particularly opportune time to focus on our resilience and stave off the winter blues.
“Fall is the time to gather all that we need to go through the winter. Psychologically, it means looking at our mindset and coping skills to endure the darkness of winter,” says Dr. Saad. “Are you equipped to deal with negative emotions and thoughts if they were to come your way? This is your preparation time.”
Everyone’s preparation can look a little different, but here are some suggestions of ways to boost your wellbeing this fall:
Get Outside
Whether you’re picking pumpkins and apples, taking your kids trick-or-treating, or going on hikes, spending time in nature can offer a mental health boost. “Getting outside and enjoying the fresh air is a natural way of raising the oxygen levels in your brain,” says Dr. Hafeez. “A rise in oxygen tends to release more serotonin, a neurotransmitter that promotes happiness.”
Map Out Your Goals
Since fall feels like a fresh start and a time of increased motivation, it can be an opportunity to figure out what you want to focus on in the upcoming months. Determine what your goals are, why these missions are important to you, and specific steps to make them happen. Completing goal-setting exercises now can also help you stay on track if you begin to feel stagnant in the winter.
Make Time for Things You Love
Symptoms of seasonal affective disorder can begin to set in this time of year. One thing you can do to feel better is making time for your favorite activities,3 such as reading, getting together with friends, making art, and playing sports. If you’re feeling depressed, you may also consider connecting with a mental health professional for additional support.
What This Means For You
Ever wonder why many people are downright obsessed with fall? It might be because autumn is considered a temporal landmark, a psychological concept that refers to events (like birthdays and seasonal changes) that change how we see time. It makes us feel more motivated to take on new challenges and enjoy the bounty of the season.
With the winter blues looming around the corner, fall can be an opportune time to strengthen our resilience and emotional wellbeing, experts say. Consider spending time in nature, mapping out your goals, and prioritizing your favorite hobbies this season. If you begin to feel depressed or you just need some additional support, reach out to a mental health professional.