12 Ways to Help a Loved One Grieve
Simply being present is often the best way to support someone who’s grieving after loss.
Medically reviewed by Joseph Ebinger, MD, MS, FACC
Aug. 4, 2023, at 2:21 p.m.
Loss is a part of life.
Life is full of ups and downs. But one of the most difficult experiences that everyone faces is loss. Whether it's of a family member, close friend, job, home or other critical aspect of identity, loss typically triggers a grief response.
“Grief is a range of emotions, sensations and behaviors,” explains Heather L. McGinty, assistant professor in the department of psychiatry and behavioral health at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center in Columbus.
Grief can be complex.
Grief is difficult to bear, both as the person directly experiencing it and as someone trying to support another going through it. The grieving person may feel a range of emotions, including:
Longing.
Guilt.
Frustration or anger.
Betrayal.
Fear.
Acceptance.
“Many people feel rather numb and may show limited emotions and not know why,” McGinty adds.
Sudden changes in emotions are common, she says, and they can occur in waves or at unexpected times after a major loss.
Grief can feel physical.
McGinty adds that some people may actually experience physical sensations along with a host of emotions. Some people report feeling a “sensation of heaviness, a knot, hollowness or emptiness all over or in specific parts of the body," she explains. "Some may feel more tired or fatigued, lethargic, unable to sleep or have a low appetite.”
Rachel Gloer, vice president of whole person care at Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services in Los Angeles, notes that grief can also manifest as headaches, stomachaches and other physical pains.
The emotional aspect of grief “can lead to challenges in decision-making and concentration, as well as memory lapse and forgetfulness,” Gloer adds. Some people may also be overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts related to the loss.
1. Check that the person wants your support.
If you’re trying to support someone who’s coping with grief, that’s a great thing. But be aware that not everyone responds to grief the same way, so it’s best to proceed with care.
“Always try to ask if the support you hope to offer is welcomed by the loved one,” says Charleen Lewis, a social worker at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center's Harding Hospital.
Everyone grieves differently, and some people prefer to find their own way. Be sensitive to the needs of your loved one, and adjust your supportive efforts to conform to what makes them comfortable.
2. Listen.
McGinty recommends taking time to listen and using the phase: "I want to check in and see how you're doing."
"Some people may not be ready to talk about their emotions or feel too overwhelmed by their feelings to share them with others," she adds. "We can know best how to support people when we let them know we are there for them but also allow them space if they request it.”
If you're struggling to find the right words, stick with honesty.
“If you feel like you don’t know what to say but would like to help, this is a perfectly OK sentiment to share," McGinty says. "Oftentimes, people are at a loss for words or worry that what they say may seem hollow or unhelpful. If this is the case, you may simply state that.”
3. Offer to take over specific tasks.
Many people tell a person who’s grieving to “let me know if I can help.” This is a great offer. The problem, however, is it puts the task on the person who’s grieving to communicate what it is they need or want done.
Certainly, some people are able to articulate those needs and will do so. But for many other people experiencing grief, they’re overwhelmed by what’s happening and not able to make decisions or express needs in any meaningful way.
Plus, “none of us alone can meet every aspect of a person’s needs,” McGinty points out.
Instead, offer something clearer or more specific, such as:
I want to be here for you. I’d like to take you out to coffee or lunch when you feel ready.
I’ll pray for you and your family.
I’ll text you to check in again in a few days.
I can come by and spend time with you tomorrow afternoon if you’d like some company.
I would like to treat you to something special to cheer you up. Would you like to … ? (You fill in the blank based on your relationship.)
I know this can be an overwhelming time. Do you need any help with tasks like … ? I would be happy to help with those this month.
Lewis adds that specific tasks a grieving person may want assistance with may include:
Yardwork.
Running errands.
Offering to help with organizing spiritual rituals that have meaning for the person.
But she cautions that you should be sure to ask first.
“Avoid just doing something you believe the loved one will appreciate," she says. "Feeling a loss of control of life is a frequent part of grief, so asking permission to do something becomes more important.”
4. Avoid saying you know how the person feels.
Relationships are complex, and there may be many conflicting emotions in play when someone is grieving a loss, including:
Feelings of abandonment.
Helplessness.
Guilt.
Confusion.
Fear of the future.
Regret.
Relief that suffering has ended.
Jennifer Jordan, manager of behavioral health clinical services at L.A. Care Health Plan, notes that grief is a personal process and may not fit a narrow definition of what it should look like.
“The truth is grief looks different for everyone who experiences it,” she points out.
Therefore, just because you think you understand the situation and are trying to empathize, that doesn’t mean you know what the person is feeling or thinking.
“Grief is as unique as the person grieving and the relationships with the person they have lost, so assumptions are risky,” Lewis cautions.
5. Avoid judgment.
People find different ways to cope with loss, so you may not agree with or understand how someone is behaving in the aftermath of a loss.
“Because a person may be experiencing a great deal of pain and perhaps is unsure how to process these emotions, there may be times where they say things or act in ways that may be out of character for that person,” Jordan explains. “In these moments, be present, sympathetic and understanding for the person rather than judging them.”
6. Avoid platitudes.
While common sayings might be helpful for some people, they can come across as insensitive or uncaring to others. For example, phrases such as “everything happens for a reason” or “they’re in a better place” may be mismatched with the grieving person's beliefs.
“Grief is not a good time to impose your beliefs or personal philosophies on others unless you’re asked to offer them,” McGinty explains. “If you don’t know their beliefs on religion or an afterlife, it’s best not to assume they’ll see things the same way you do.”
7. Avoid leaning too heavily on the bereaved.
When someone dies, everyone in their circle will be grieving to some extent, and you need to be aware that you may be grieving too. But in doing so, it’s important to avoid leaning too heavily on the bereaved.
Often, people tend to reach out to spouses, parents or siblings for support, but if they're grieving as well, it may be harder to find needed support.
"You don’t have to avoid telling the bereaved that you’re also grieving, but be sure they’re not the only people you go to for support,” McGinty advises.
8. Don’t neglect your own needs.
During grief, it can be easy to focus so heavily on the most affected survivor that you forget to take care of yourself. But self-care matters.
Jordan encourages those supporting a grieving friend or loved one to maintain their routines as much as possible.
“Continue to do the things in your life that help manage and reduce stress," she advises. "Do not feel like this person’s grief is solely on your shoulders to support. If you do not engage in these items, you are also at risk for burning yourself out and feeling overwhelmed, stressed or fatigued.”
9. But don’t disappear.
“If you feel like you’re not good support or shouldn’t be around them to preserve your own well-being, don’t simply disappear. Find a way to share that you need some time apart if the bereaved reaches out to you,” McGinty cautions.
Saying something like, “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. I’m struggling to be a good support and don’t wish to burden you” lets the person know what’s going on without placing any specific expectations on either of you.
“You don’t need to immediately ask for forgiveness or understanding, which may put the onus on the bereaved," McGinty adds. "You don’t need to explain the reason why you may be struggling right away if you aren’t ready.”
10. Encourage additional support.
Some people may need to seek additional help and support after a loss.
It’s time to seek professional help "when the person’s reactions to the loss seriously affect their sense of self, result in persistent anxiety that drains their life energy or result in chronic fatigue from difficulty sleeping," Lewis says.
A counselor, social worker or other mental health professional can help the grieving person work through their loss and the often complex emotions that surround it in a meaningful way. Support groups can also be a good resource for those grieving.
Jordan notes that grief that persists or interferes with daily functioning should be addressed professionally as well, as should any thoughts of suicide.
For those experiencing physical aches and pains alongside their grief, checking in with your physician should be a priority.
"We know that caregivers may delay their own health care while caring for a loved one who had a prolonged illness before their death," McGinty says. "Your doctor may also recommend treatments for emotional distress if you’re feeling overwhelmed or unable to complete tasks you need to do.”
11. Know that grief isn’t just about death.
While we typically associate the term “grief” with death, this emotion crops up in other contexts too.
“The loss of a marriage or a committed partner, the loss of an important career, the loss of a close friend to conflict, estrangement from family members and loss of personal, physical or cognitive functions all result in grief,” she explains.
What’s more, in the context of the death of a loved one, there can be additional grief for the survivor associated with their relationship to the deceased.
“I think one of the biggest things about grief that’s often overlooked is not only is the person experiencing grief from the loss of the person, but they could also be grieving a loss of their own sense of identity,” Jordan says.
12. Recognize that grief takes time.
Lastly, grief is not a linear progression, and each person advances through it in their own way and at their own pace.
“There’s no timeline or one-size-fits-all cure for grief," McGinty says. "The loss may be most acute when we wish the person we lost were there, both for happy moments and for difficult moments. It’s a natural and healthy response to feel numb at times when grieving and has no bearing on how much you loved the person who died.”
Top ways to help a loved one grieve:
Check that the person wants your support.
Listen.
Offer to take on specific tasks.
Avoid saying you know how the person feels.
Avoid judgment.
Avoid platitudes.
Avoid leaning too heavily on the bereaved.
Don't neglect your own needs.
But don’t disappear.
Encourage additional support.
Know that grief isn’t just about death.
Recognize that grief takes time.