Ever felt so stressed you didn’t know what to do next? Try talking to your 'parts'

Have you ever felt so anxious in a tough situation that you didn’t know what to do next? That’s how Seth Kopald felt during his divorce. He worried that he’d lose connection with his kids.

“How much time will I have with them?” he recalls thinking. Would they be OK, he wondered. One night, as he was driving home, he struggled to catch his breath as panic took over. He pulled over to the side of the road, recognizing he needed help.

His therapist turned him onto an approach he’d never heard of called Internal Family Systems, or IFS, and recommended a book to get him started, written by its founder Richard Schwartz. “It was life-changing,” Kopald says.

At the center of IFS — sometimes called “parts work” — is the idea that each of us has multiple parts, kind of like sub-personalities. Getting to know them and treating them with compassion may help us manage our lives and our stress better, Schwartz writes in his book No Bad Parts.

Schwartz came up with the idea for IFS more than 40 years ago when he was a family therapist treating adolescents with bulimia. His patients told him about different parts of themselves that were interfering with their treatment, like “the critic” who would make them feel worthless and alone.

As the scientist in him mulled this over, he also looked inward. “I noticed them in myself. Oh my God, I’ve got them too,” he recalls.

The premise of the IFS model is that our minds are not one-dimensional. “We’re all multiple,” Schwartz says. We all have multiple perspectives within — for example, people often identify an inner critic, worrier, or striver. And some parts tend to dominate our lives, while others are more hidden. IFS teaches a process to embrace all your parts, bring them into balance and find a sense of wholeness.

Parts work has exploded in popularity recently — with a growing number of books, apps and social media accounts highlighting the system. There are now more than 6,000 IFS-certified therapists and practitioners. 

IFS is used by therapists working on a range of issues, from couples therapy, to coping with the death of a loved one, or other traumas.

Some therapists say the popularity has gotten ahead of the evidence base and are calling for more research. There are several small studies showing IFS can benefit people with specific problems, including symptoms of PTSD and stress; the pain, discomfort and depression from living with rheumatoid arthritis; and depression. And more studies are underway.

For Seth Kopald, parts work was key to taming his anxiety, as he began to recognize that it stemmed from fears of feeling unloved in childhood.

With IFS, he could now acknowledge the hurt child within, and begin to unburden from the pain and shame.

“There’s a big difference between, ‘I am the anxiety and fear versus I am here with the fear, I’m here with the anxiety,’” he says. And in that realization his natural state of “confidence, courage and compassion” resurfaced. “It's almost like I have a new operating system now,” Kopald says.

So, if you’re dealing with stress — around relationships, tragedy, or any life challenge — you may want to learn more about parts work. Here are highlights of how the IFS process works.

1. Quiet your mind and look within

One way to begin to get to know your parts is to listen.

Sit still, as if you were about to meditate and notice any bodily sensations that arise. Do you feel a sore neck, a tight chest, sick to your stomach? Do you see scenes or images from the past? What comes up first are parts that may need your attention. Focus on one sensation or image — tune in and ask it what it wants you to know.

When Seth Kopald tried this, he sensed a nervousness throughout his body and he saw images from old movies in his mind — scenes of bad divorces, couples fighting over kids. He was getting in touch with a worrier part that was dominating his life at the time.

2. Start a dialogue with your parts

In IFS, the rule is that none of our parts are bad. Each of them can give us useful information.

Kopald started to realize that his worry and anxiety were what IFS calls “protector” parts, which help us get through tough situations. “They were trying to make me do something — to figure out a solution to help my kids,” he says.

But these parts were causing so much anxiety, he was stuck.

The worrier was telling him “do something.” Then there was a critic questioning what he'd done to contribute to the bad situation. And another part was jumping in to try to numb him from the pain.

These multiple parts were teaming up, a pattern that can happen to many of us in moments of crisis. It’s like noisy instruments playing out of tune, Kopald says, citing a metaphor frequently used in IFS.

If you find yourself overwhelmed by a cacophony, try to start a dialogue with your parts: What do you want me to know? What do you want to show me?

And the more you learn to work with your parts, you can start to become the leader, or the conductor, Kopald says, bringing up each instrument in harmony.

3. Take some space

IFS teaches you to “separate” from the noise of these competing parts. Kopald recalls the moment he started to get some perspective on his anxiety about his kids, by seeing it as just one part.

“When it really hit me that the anxiety I'd been feeling was one aspect of me, but not all of me, I felt this calm come over me,” he says.

This was the beginning of a breakthrough for him.

If you want to try this, ask your noisy part: “Can you give me some space so we can talk?” For Kopald, instead of feeling like he was that scared, anxious kid, he got to the place where he felt he was sitting with that kid, helping to comfort him.

. Get in touch with pain from childhood

IFS teaches that we all have exile parts, which hold onto hurtful memories, many from childhood. Since it’s easier to bury negative feelings than deal with them, these exiles — as the name suggests — can stay locked deep within.

IFS founder Dick Schwartz says the exile parts can get triggered in times of difficulty. But he says, “these are often our most sensitive and loving parts.”

As a kid, Schwartz struggled in school, which frustrated his father — a prominent physician and researcher. “So he piled on a lot of shame,” Schwartz says. He could recall his father saying things like, “Dicky, you’re good for nothing,” and the hurt was buried deep within.

He allowed himself to relive those experiences from childhood. “I could actually enter that scene and be with” the hurt boy, Schwartz says. In doing so he could feel the mistrust and fear and shame lifting, what IFS calls “an unburdening.”

For Schwartz this opened up a playful inner child. “That was lacking in my life back before I actually unburdened that part,” he says.

This part can be tricky to do alone. Exiles will sometimes take you back to painful scenes, and show you traumatic memories. Kopald says if you feel the pain of an exile arise, you can say: “I know you’re there – I’m not pushing you away.” You can ask it to share its story, and if this gets too intense, you may want to contact an IFS therapist.

5. Take a U-turn

Kopald says his life is much better now. He has a loving relationship with his children and he’s remarried. Now an IFS-certified practitioner, he's written a book on IFS, Self-Led: Living a Connected Life With Yourself and With Others. But, he still has moments when life is very stressful or throws too much at him. When this happens, he uses a technique called a U-Turn. The U-turn is an exercise to gain perspective.

If you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk — or you are feeling like everything is falling apart, take a moment to notice what’s happening inside, look inward. Kopald says he’ll ask himself: “Wait a minute, who’s taking me over right now?”

In other words, you observe which part inside you is triggering your anxiety, fear or negativity. And then you can tell it, “Hey, I got it. Can you just trust me to be here?” Kopald says.

6. Uncover the light within

When you’re no longer dominated by the cacophony of parts, then your true self can emerge, according to IFS.

In IFS, Self is the parent or leader of your system, offering love and protection to all your parts.

Seth says you can think of Self as the sun, which is often covered by clouds, i.e., your parts. Remember the sun is always in its full power, even on a cloudy day. So Kopald says, like clouds parting, we can “remove the things that block our light.”

For Kopald, this has made a big difference. “I tend to live more in the light of myself," he says. And he feels more clarity, compassion, creativity and calm.

#selfcare

5 Easy Ways To Ease Anxiety On Halloween

People suffering from anxiety can be easily triggered by specific Halloween traditions such as Trick or Treating. Read this post for tips on easing anxiety on Halloween.

I love Halloween. However, plenty of friends hate Halloween because it’s a source of anxiety for them. From triggering haunted house screams to children constantly ringing their doorbells, Halloween can easily provoke automated negative emotional responses that lead to stress.

Many adults and younger children experience heightened anxiety levels during Halloween. First-time trick-or-treaters may be nervous about people’s reactions to their costumes or bumping into scary, horrific costumes. In addition, adults experiencing symptoms of PTSD may feel stressed not knowing who’s under the costume or have a traumatic flashback.

Feeling anxious is normal, especially around this time of year. So, here are five ways you can ease anxiety around Halloween.

How To Ease Anxiety On Halloween

Remember That You Don’t Have To Answer The Door

There’s a lot of pressure for adults to hand out candy on Halloween. However, you don’t have to participate in this tradition. If you’ve experienced a traumatic event or have extreme social anxiety, don’t participate in handing out candy, as it may impact your general mental health. There are plenty of ways to celebrate Halloween and engage the children without doing so.

For example, you may leave a massive bowl of wrapped candy outside your door and allow children to pick it out themselves. You could also delegate this Halloween task to someone else in the family. Remember to also have some safety measures in place in case of emergency.

Set Some Ground Rules

If you’re prone to anxiety or nervousness around Halloween, you must set some ground rules. First, take some time to think about how you want to celebrate this year and what needs to be done for you to feel comfortable and safe. Then, set rules about costumes, answering the door, and anything else that may trigger your anxiety. Some standard ground rules for celebrating Halloween are:

• No one travels alone.

• Everyone needs to check in with each other every XYZ hour or time.

• There needs to be at least one utterly sober person.

• Don’t answer the door for anyone without a parent.

• Have some emergency safety measures in place.

Don’t Be Hard On Yourself

It’s okay to experience anxiety or fear around Halloween. It happens. Learn to recognize these emotions and find healthy coping mechanisms for managing them. Don’t punish yourself for not wanting to celebrate or being in the spirit of Halloween. It will not make you feel better. Instead, allow yourself to feel these emotions and be mindful of how they affect you.

Make Sure To Take Care Of Yourself

One of the most important things you can do to ease your anxiety around Halloween is to practice self-care. Halloween challenges you to challenge yourself mentally and physically in ways that you usually wouldn’t. Practicing some Halloween self-care will help you check in with yourself and ensure you’re feeling okay. In addition, Halloween is the perfect holiday for having fun, doing something crazy, and treating yourself to anything silly that will make you feel happy.

Take A Break From Halloween

If Halloween is causing too much stress and anxiety, take a step back from it this year. It’s okay not to dress up, hand out candy, or do anything Halloween-related. October 31st is still an average day, and you can treat Halloween as that. Do nothing and participate in your usual daily routines. Taking a break from Halloween will help you not feel pressured into participating in the holiday’s yearly traditions.

Final Thoughts

Fear and anxiety are natural responses from the brain against perceived danger and threats. Developing healthy coping mechanisms and understanding your anxiety will help you better navigate Halloween and other holidays.

Mental health doesn’t have to be scary! Let’s break the stigma together and create a safe space for open conversations. #MentalHealthMatters #BreakTheStigma"

How you talk to yourself matters!

Your anxiety doesn't define you!

Self-Care in the Fall: Why It’s Important for Your Mental Health

The leaves are changing, the air is getting cooler, and all things pumpkin spice are starting to appear everywhere. It can only mean one thing: fall is here! This time of year is a time for reflection and self-care for many people. The holidays are quickly approaching, and it’s important to take time for yourself before things get too crazy. In this blog post, we will discuss the importance of taking care of your mental health, self-care, and provide some tips on how you can implement it into your life!

The importance of self-care

As the weather gets cooler and the days get shorter, it can be easy to let self-care fall by the wayside. However, taking care of yourself is just as important in the fall as at any other time of year.

One reason self-care is so important in the fall is that it can help boost your immune system. When you’re feeling run down, it’s harder for your body to fight off colds and flu. So make sure to get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly.

Another reason to focus on self-care in the fall is that it can help to alleviate seasonal affective disorder (SAD). SAD is a type of depression often triggered by the shorter days and reduced sunlight of autumn and winter. To help combat SAD, make sure to get outside every day, even if it’s just for a short walk.

And finally, self-care can help you to enjoy the fall season more. When taking care of yourself, you’re more likely to have the energy and enthusiasm to enjoy all that autumn offers. So don’t wait until spring to start taking care of yourself. Start practicing self-care today!

Tips to help you get started with self-care

Self-care is a catch-all term for many activities, from getting enough sleep to taking time for a hobby. However, the one thing all self-care activities have in common is that they help you to nurture your physical, mental, and emotional health. If you’re new to the world of self-care, here are a few tips to help you get started:

1. Set aside some time each day for yourself. Even just 10-15 minutes can make a big difference. Use this time to do something that makes you happy and relaxed, whether reading, taking a walk, or listening to music.

2. Make healthy choices that make you feel good. This could include eating nutritious meals, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, and spending time in nature.

3. Be mindful of your thoughts and emotions. Pay attention to how you’re feeling mentally and physically, and take steps to improve your well-being if necessary. This might involve seeking professional help if you’re struggling with your mental health.

4. Do something nice for yourself every day. Whether buying yourself a new book, taking a relaxing bath, or just taking some time out to enjoy your hobbies, make sure to schedule some ME time on a regular basis.

Self-care is all about taking care of yourself both physically and emotionally. You can reap the benefits of increased happiness and reduced stress levels by making small changes in your daily routine.

Ideas for fall-themed self-care

There’s no denying that fall is a busy time of year. It can be tough to find time for yourself, but self-care is important, and there are plenty of ways to fit it into your autumn schedule. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Get outside. Autumn is a great time to go for a hike, go apple picking, or just take a walk in the park. Being in nature can help to clear your mind and boost your mood.

Get cozy. Take some time to relax at home with a cozy blanket, a cup of your favorite hot beverage, a good book, or a good movie.

Connect with friends. Fall is the perfect time to catch up with friends over coffee or dinner. Spending time with people you care about can help reduce stress and improve your overall sense of well-being.

Give back. There’s nothing like helping others to make you feel good about yourself. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, donate clothes to a local thrift store, or simply offer to help a friend in need.

Be mindful. One of the best ways to reduce stress is to practice mindfulness. This can be as simple as taking a few deep breaths before you start your day or spending a few minutes meditating before bedtime.

Monitor your mental health. Many people who suffer from SAD don’t realize it because it can come on gradually. Keep a mood tracker or journal, and if you start to experience symptoms of depression or anxiety that are affecting your ability to carry out day-to-day tasks, be sure to reach out to a therapist.

Why therapy is a form of self-care

Many people see therapy as a last resort, only to be considered when they’re in crisis. But this isn’t accurate. Instead, therapy is a form of self-care that can be helpful even when things are going well. It’s a chance to step back from your busy life, check in with yourself, reflect on your thoughts and feelings, and figure out what’s really happening.

It’s an opportunity to set aside some time each week to focus on your mental and emotional health. And it’s a chance to develop deeper insight into yourself, leading to more satisfying relationships and better decision-making.

By taking the time to address your own needs, you’re ensuring that you’re in a better position to take care of those around you. When you’re dealing with your own stress and anxiety, it’s difficult to be present for others.

Therapy can help you to process these emotions in a healthy way so that you can be more available to the people in your life. In addition, therapy can also provide you with tools to deal with difficult situations in the future. By taking care of yourself, you’re actually making it possible to be there for others in a more meaningful way.

Therapy is an investment in your well-being and can pay off in many ways. So if you’re feeling good, don’t wait until you’re struggling to give it a try. Find a therapist near you and get connected.

How to keep up your self-care routine during the busy holiday season

With fall comes the start of the holiday season, which can get quite chaotic. With all the shopping, cooking, and parties, it’s easy to let your self-care routine slide. But this is the time of year when you need it the most! Here are a few tips to help you keep up your self-care routine during the holidays:

1. Make time for yourself. Whether it’s a quick jog in the morning or a relaxing bath at night, carve out some time each day to do something just for you.

2. Keep up with your healthy eating habits. It’s easy to indulge during the holidays, but try to focus on healthy foods that will give you energy and help you avoid getting sick.

3. Get enough sleep. This can be tough during the busy holiday season, but try to stick to a regular sleep schedule as much as possible.

4. Take some time to relax and de-stress. With all the hustle and bustle, taking a few minutes each day to just breathe and clear your mind is important.

If you are considering making therapy part of your self-care routine or experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression, don’t wait to get help.

How are you feeling today?

#endthestigma

#mondaymotivation

#WorldMentalHealthDay

Everyone deserves a support system and access to the resources they need to thrive. This #WorldMentalHealthDay, check on your loved ones and be honest with them about how you’re feeling, too. Every open conversation brings us closer to community.

Job burnout: How to spot it and take action

Job burnout is a type of stress linked to work. It includes being worn out physically or emotionally. Job burnout also may involve feeling useless, powerless and empty.

Burnout isn't a medical diagnosis. Some experts think that other conditions, such as depression, are behind burnout. Burnout can raise the risk of depression. But depression and burnout are different, and they need different treatments.

Certain personality traits may affect the risk of burnout. Other factors, such as past work experiences, also can affect burnout risk. That helps explain why if two people are dealing with the same job issues, one might have job burnout while the other does not.

Whatever the cause, job burnout can affect your physical and mental health. Here are some tips on how to know if you have job burnout and what you can do about it.

Job burnout symptoms

To find out if you might have job burnout, answer these questions:

• Do you question the value of your work?

• Do you drag yourself to work and have trouble getting started?

• Do you feel removed from your work and the people you work with?

• Have you lost patience with co-workers, customers or clients?

• Do you lack the energy to do your job well?

• Is it hard to focus on your job?

• Do you feel little satisfaction from what you get done?

• Do you feel let down by your job?

• Do you doubt your skills and abilities?

• Are you using food, drugs or alcohol to feel better or to numb how you feel?

• Have your sleep habits changed?

• Do you have headaches, stomach or bowel problems, or other physical complaints with no known cause?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might have job burnout. Think about talking to a health care professional or a mental health professional. These symptoms also can be linked to health conditions, such as depression.

Possible causes of job burnout

There are different causes of job burnout. They include:

• Lack of control. Not having a say in how you do your job, such as your schedule, assignments or workload, can lead to job burnout. Not having what you need to do your work also can add to burnout.

• Lack of clarity about what's expected of you. If you're not sure what your boss or others want from you, you're not likely to feel like you're doing a good job.

• Conflicts with others. Maybe you work with an office bully. Or you feel that co-workers are against you. Or your boss is too involved with your work. These conflicts can add to job stress.

• Too much or too little to do. Maybe your job is boring. Or it's so busy you can't keep up with the demands. In these situations, you need a lot of energy to stay focused. This can lead to fatigue and job burnout.

• Lack of support. If you feel alone at work and in your personal life, you might feel more stressed.

• Problems with work-life balance. Problems with work-life balance. Maybe your work takes up so much of your time and energy that you have nothing left for family and friends. This lack of balance can lead to job burnout.

Job burnout risk factors

The following factors can add to job burnout:

• Having a heavy workload and working long hours.

• Struggling with work-life balance.

• Working in a helping profession, such as health care, that involves a lot of giving to others.

• Feeling of having little or no control over work.

Costs of job burnout

Doing nothing about job burnout can make the problems worse. As a result, you might:

• Feel drained.

• Not feel able to cope.

• Not be able to sleep.

• Be sad, angry, irritable or not care.

• Use more alcohol or other substances.

• Get heart disease, high blood pressure or type 2 diabetes.

• Be more likely to get sick.

Handling job burnout

Burnout often involves things in the workplace that you can't control. But there are ways to control how you cope with the stress. To get started:

• Look at your options. Talk to your boss about your concerns. Maybe you can work together to make changes or solve problems. Set realistic goals for what must get done. Find out what can wait. If things at work are not likely to change, you might look for a job that would be a better fit for you.

• Seek support.. Ask co-workers, friends or loved ones for support. Talking to others might help you cope. Feeling like you belong protects against burnout. If your job offers an employee assistance program, look at the services offered.

• Try a relaxing activity. Look for activities that can help with stress. Examples are yoga, meditation or tai chi. Something as simple as taking some deep breaths a few times a day can help relieve tension.

• Get some exercise. Regular physical activity can help you cope with stress. It also can take your mind off work.

• Get some sleep. Sleep restores well-being and helps protect your health.

• Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is being aware of what's going on inside you and around you without judging or reacting. This practice can help you deal with what's happening on the job.

Keep an open mind as you think about the options. Ask for help. There are ways to overcome burnout and protect your health