Holiday Survival Guide: Family Style
Holiday Survival Guide: Family Style
NOVEMBER 14, 2019 12:02 AM ET
By Julia Furlan
When the halloween candy goes on sale and the dulcet tones of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" are piping out of every store speaker, it can mean GO TIME for some folks. But there are also a lot of people who get a very familiar pit in their stomach when the holidays roll around. Holidays can mean exhaustion, confronting familial trauma, managing your uncle's opinions and all kinds of overload.
We asked Life Kit listeners for their trickiest situations around family and the holidays and invited Dr. Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist, to offer advice. Here are some excerpts of the letters we received along with some advice that will hopefully help you weather this holiday season with strength if the cheer and goodwill are hard to find. (And don't forget to listen to the full episode so you can hear more questions and all of the wisdom!)
We're only using first names to identify the people who wrote in with questions, since their inquiries involve family relationships and are sensitive in nature.
Tl;dr Bah Humbug
"The message that I hear around the holidays is that it's all about family. But I don't have that. It becomes stressful to try and find something I can do to fill that for Thanksgiving and for Christmas which seems to last for a full two months. Also people will say that one of the great things about the holidays is that there is a feeling of love for strangers and our neighbors. But I feel the opposite way! I feel completely alienated. I hate people during the holiday season. They're awful. Have you ever tried to go shopping? They're rude in the parking lots and in the lines. It's all awful." — Tory
This letter is so relatable and speaks to a very real alienation and loneliness that can come up around the holidays. For any number of reasons — if you're estranged or far away from family, if you don't celebrate the holiday or even if the whole thing simply rubs you the wrong way — it can be that much more difficult to watch everyone else operating at that egg-nog-for-breakfast-inject-candy-canes-into-my-bloodstream level.
Andrea's advice is simple: find a way to derive your own meaning from the holidays. "Maybe you can derive meaning from the holidays as a time that you kind of cocoon into yourself and you do let yourself be a little bit frustrated with things but you treat yourself better," she advises. "So many times the pressure and the alienation comes from this idea that we're supposed to feel a certain way." Dr. Bonior recommends volunteering or even scheduling a brunch with a friend who gets it and creating a tradition around that. "The more that we can feel in control that, hey we're we're choosing this, the more soothing it can be and the less left out we'll feel because we're actively choosing what to do with our time." So go ahead and take on the yoga challenge or bake 45 different kinds of muffins or host an anti-holiday party if that's what suits you.
My Family Doesn't Accept Me
"I came out as a trans woman to my family several months ago and I haven't had a holiday with my extended family yet. I know my mom is coming around but my dad isn't and no extended family knows. I'm worried about whether I'll have to pretend to be a boy for a week or if I'll even be welcome at all. I'm dreading constantly being misgendered and treated like the nephew grandson I always presented to them rather than who I actually am. I'm dreading disguising myself just to make my family happy at my own expense."
— Vivian
This letter is heartbreaking, and very representative of many of the letters in the Life Kit inbox where a listener expresses their anxiety and dread at not being accepted by their families. Dr. Bonior's advice in this case is to find an ally and have an exit strategy. She says that this letter writer might consider sitting out this holiday and simply Skyping in for a few minutes to mitigate some of the trauma, but says that it's promising that mom is coming around. "You need an ally to help you be understood and eventually, in an ideal world, her mom can work on the other family members too," Dr. Bonior says.
An escape plan is also a big recommendation in this case, whether it involves actually taking a break from the event — by going on a walk or calling a supportive friend — or coming up with a few safe topics to bring up in case a conversation goes off the rails. "Give yourself permission to change gears. Sometimes, that permission is hard to come by. We feel guilty about it but really you need to protect your own emotional health and you deserve that."
This Holiday Glorifies Genocide
"My husband and I are white and adopted our son from South America many years ago. Last year, at 30, he embraced his native South American heritage and spends all of Thanksgiving in mourning and protest for the horrible things that have been perpetrated on native peoples. While I sympathize I view Thanksgiving as time to spend with friends and family to enjoy a good meal and to socialize. He has also become vegan which puts lots of pressure on hosts to accommodate his needs. I want to be respectful of his very real concerns and choices but the rest of my family is not understanding and feels resentment that he doesn't just fit in. If I side with my son, the rest of the family suffers. If I side with the rest of my family, my son suffers." — Laura
A lot of holiday family gatherings will have at least one person attending who doesn't really feel like participating for any number of reasons. Dr. Bonior says that the way to solve this conundrum is to make space for that person to address their concerns. "It sounds like there's a false dichotomy here I've got to side with my family or with my son when in reality I would think OK how can we honor some of his beliefs and and ask to incorporate it." If people roll their eyes when your son speaks to the table about the atrocities committed against native people, go ahead and let them Dr. Bonior says. "I would start with asking the son how can I take you out of a box here and actually hear more about the nuance of what you do believe in and how that could be incorporated into the day," she says. Listening to one another despite differences in tradition and opinion is something that most folks will likely toast to (and if they don't, hopefully they'll at least sit through it respectfully.)
Everyone's Needs Are More Important Than Mine
"Experience has shown me that someone always forgets something important. So I have just maintained the sanity as much as possible by planning everything. I make a checklist and just start marking things off so that nothing is left behind that is important in keeping the peace on the road trip. Then there's the issue of traveling with an 85-year-old man who has to urinate almost before we pull out of the driveway, and together with my husband who is not the most understanding person about the needs of an 85-year-old man. Then I have two sons and a daughter. My daughter's needs, equally, are as important as my 85-year-old father. She also needs to go to the restroom often enough that it makes my husband crazy. So, there's that battle.There's the battle of arriving, of course, with peace and safely. The last person on the list for any of these road trip necessities is myself. — Yolanda
This listener has really hit the nail on the head of what the holidays can be in some families: a time when everyone in a very, very large group is putting their needs on one (or a few) of the family's matriarchs who are struggling to do a TON of emotional, physical and mental labor in the interest of the holidays. Dr. Bonior says this is very common. "I hear this from so many women in particular, it's certainly not exclusive to them," she says.
Her advice for this listener is to ask her family to support her. "It's a matter of maybe asking more from her family, and I imagine she thinks that they're not going to come through for her," Dr. Bonior says. "That could be a problem, but if it is a problem then I truly see it as an issue that is worthy of being addressed because what's the alternative? She does this every single year?" Dr. Bonior says that the exhaustion and overextended nature of this listener is going to ultimately lead to resentment, which is bad for everyone. So, if this resonates with you as you're surveying a kitchen that looks like a crime scene for dishes, or if you're having anxiety dreams about wrapping paper, remember that you *can* ask your family for support. Asking your partner to show up for you can be especially difficult, but go ahead and trust Dr. Bonior on this one: "Maybe she's bought 19 gifts for the past 10 years and made sure everything was perfect and ironed the tablecloths and made things festive. But now she's ready to simplify. She'll probably actually be a lot happier and maybe everyone else will too."
Boundaries Sound Like...
Can little actions bring big joy? Researchers find 'micro-acts' can boost well-being
Can little actions bring big joy? Researchers find 'micro-acts' can boost well-being
NOVEMBER 14, 202312:58 PM ET
It's 8 a.m., and your in-box is filling up. You spot an email about a colleague's promotion. Do you scroll past or take a moment to give props? Or, you're in line at the coffee shop, where it's easy to tune everyone out. But, today, you decide to pick up the tab for the person behind you.
How might a small act like this influence your mood later today, tonight or throughout this week?
An analysis released Tuesday from scientists behind a research initiative called the BIG JOY Project finds that people who commit daily "micro-acts" of joy experience about a 25% increase in emotional well-being over the course of a week.
"We're really excited," says Emiliana Simon-Thomas, a BIG JOY project leader, and science director of the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley. "There are statistically significant, measurable changes [including] greater well-being, better coping, less stress, more satisfaction with relationships."
The BIG JOY Project is a collaboration between UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center and other research institutions. So far the researchers have preliminary results from over 70,000 participants in more than 200 countries. "What we're really focused on is understanding impact and the potential for change in people's lives," Simon-Thomas. Overall, the new analysis shows micro-acts led to increased feelings of hope, optimism, as well as moments of fun or silliness.
This project did not begin as a typical research study, but rather a 'citizen-science' project which is still open to anyone who wants to participate. Here's how it works. Participants take an on-line survey to answer questions about their emotions, stress, and their social tendencies. Then, every day for seven consecutive days, they agree to try small, happiness-boosting activities, what the researchers have dubbed "micro-acts" of joy.
All of the recommended micro-acts have been linked to emotional well-being in prior published studies. Examples include making a gratitude list or journal, or engaging in acts of kindness such as visiting a sick neighbor or doing a nice gesture for a friend – or a stranger. Some micro-acts involve celebrating another person's joy, or engaging in self reflection, meditation, or taking the time to identify the silver lining in a bad situation, known as positive reframing.
Each day, people answer questions about what they did and how they felt afterwards. At the end of the week, they take another survey to gauge how their emotions and sense of well-being have changed.
A sense of agency
When people intentionally plan out a daily micro-act, it may help them feel as if they have a bit of control over their emotions, explains researcher Elissa Epel, a BIG JOY collaborator, and a professor of psychiatry, at the University of California, San Francisco. "So there's this feeling of agency," Epel says, and that could be one explanation for the improvements in well-being seen in the survey.
For instance, participants were asked how much they agreed with the statement: "I have felt able to impact, influence, or play an active role in how happy I generally feel." The participants' level of agreement with this statement increased by about 27%, over the course of the week.
Since all participants chose to be part of the project, it's likely they were hoping for a benefit. But it's not clear if everyone — even people who don't believe small acts can be beneficial – would see the same results. "We haven't randomly assigned a group of people to do the seven day [program]," Simon-Thomas says, so without control group data, the results are all preliminary. The researchers plan to run some controlled studies and publish results in the future.
A tool for spreading well-being
At a time when global conflicts, political divide, and societal problems may seem insurmountable, some may question whether small acts of joy can help make a difference? The answer, the researchers say, stems from the ideas of the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who both spoke about how it's possible to feel joy even in the midst of suffering, and to use that feeling to help do good.
The BIG JOY project began as a collaboration with documentary filmmakers who produced a 2021 film called Mission: Joy, which aimed to illuminate this message. "They really wanted to spread the wisdom that we have more control over our happiness than we know," Epel says.
Epel has spent decades studying how stress affects the body, and she says it's been surprising to see the benefits of micro-acts of joy. "These very short practices are clearly having a positive residue," Epel says. She's come to think of the micro-acts as "tools at our fingertips" that we can use in the moment to relieve feelings of stress, anxiety and worry.
Of course, it's important to point out what micro-acts cannot accomplish. They are not a replacement for therapy or medications used for serious mental health challenges, including depression. And, the researchers point out, it's also not appropriate to think micro-acts can help overhaul the struggles of someone whose basic needs are not met. "It would be embarrassing and shameful to be like, hey, you don't have enough to eat, why don't you try Big Joy," Simon-Thomas says.
But she says, the hope is that the joy that emanates from micro-acts may help spur some people to get involved in the greater good — whether it's in your community, your workplace, your school, or an organization you admire. "What we're hoping is that when people finish Big Joy they have that sense that, oh, my happiness is contingent in part on how generous and invested I am in common humanity," Simon-Thomas says.
Starting a new practice
At a time when random acts of kindness could be viewed as bumper sticker cliché, researchers say it's important to continue to nail down potential benefits through rigorous studies.
"I appreciate the skepticism," says Judith Moskowitz, a social scientist at Northwestern University, Feinberg School of Medicine, who is not involved in the new Big Joy analysis. The body of research on positive psychology has to date produced mixed results. And Moskowitz says the ongoing research creates an opportunity to better understand the effects of these small steps.
Moskowitz's own research has shown a series of small steps (similar to those used in the Big Joy project) can help people cope during bad situations. For instance, she found caregivers caring for a sick loved one were able to tamp down anxiety after going through a 5-week course.
"So many of the things that are causing us stress and sadness are out of our control," Moskowitz says. "So these micro moments can give you something to hold on to," she explains, and help you stay engaged.
"Decades of research have shown that even in the context of really stressful events or sickness, there is absolutely the capacity to experience moments of positive emotion as well," she says.
Rather than thinking of joy as something that happens to you, it may make sense to think of it as a skill that you can get better at through practice, says Simon-Thomas. "If you want to stay physically fit, you have to keep exercising," Simon-Thomas says, and the same likely goes for well-being, she says.
Just as the benefits of exercise wear off, so too do the effects of these micro-acts.
"I feel optimistic. I feel more relaxed. I feel more supported in the world when I engage in these micro practices myself," says Simon-Thomas. "I just believe that humans can change for the better," she says.
One way to get started with the Big Joy concept, is to plan out the moment of your micro-act each day. Maybe build it into your daily dog-walking routine, that's a good time to make a mental gratitude list, or look for an opportunity to chat with a neighbor.
"Part of this is intention setting," Simon-Thomas says. "If you have a map to where you're going to go, you're much more likely to go there," she says.
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How to change your kid's behavior, according to the host of a hit parenting podcast
How to change your kid's behavior, according to the host of a hit parenting podcast
Updated October 12, 20229:08 AM ET
This is a typical morning with my three kids, all under age 10. The youngest one wants help putting on her shoes. The oldest is whining about how she has "nothing" to wear. And the middle daughter is growing increasingly anxious that we are "GOING TO BE LATE!"
My initial reaction in this scenario — before they start smacking each other — is to sanction my kids. I might threaten to take away their screen time or make them sit alone in their rooms.
But clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy, author of the new book Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, says parents should try another approach. Rather than using timeouts and consequences to change a child's behavior, parents should make an effort to understand why their kid is acting out in the first place.
To do that, says Kennedy, parents have to assume their child is inherently "good inside" – that they have good intentions and want to do the right thing. This mindset can help parents avoid making assumptions about their child's character — and focus their attention instead on unpacking the root reasons of the behavior. Doing so, she says, creates an opportunity for parents to show validation and empathy to their child and encourage their personal growth.
Kennedy, a mother of three based in New York City and host of the hit parenting podcast and online community Good Inside, talks to Life Kit about strategies for common behavioral issues in young children. This conversation has been edited for length and clarity. Additional context has been added to the questions.
Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist, the host of the podcast Good Inside with Dr. Becky and the author of Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be.
How does the "good inside" mentality help when a kid is, say, acting out?
Let's say my three-year-old son just hit his sister. That is not at all good behavior. But if I base my mindset on the idea that my kid is "good inside," then I can activate curiosity. Why is my kid hitting his sister?
When I don't operate from that foundation, it's easy to put frustration, anger and judgment in the driver's seat and think, "What is wrong with my kid? Do I have kids who are never going to get along?"
The idea of "good inside" [helps parents] see the identity of our kid as separate from a descriptor of a behavior.
So let's walk through how you would deal with your son in this situation. Your first step, you say, is to address the hitting.
Right. So I might say [to my son], "I'm not going to let you hit your sister." Then I'd look at my daughter and say, "Ouch, I know that hurt. That wasn't OK."
And instead of disciplining the kid who's hitting, which is what my instinct would be as a parent, your approach is to actually connect with that child. To you, that means making an effort to understand what's going on and help them feel confident, capable and worthy. What does that look like in the real world?
So let's stay with the hitting example. A "connection-first" experience [from a parent would be like]: whoa, it's clearly not OK to hit and also I have a good kid. He's struggling. I should connect to him. [To do that], I'm going to look at my son and say, "You're having a hard time. I'm here. We're going to figure it out together." I am connecting to the kid having a hard time.
I'm not hearing any consequences to your son for hitting his sister. Some parents might take issue with that — for many, disciplining is a way to show kids that what they're doing is wrong. Why do you prefer connection over behavior correction, as you say in your book?
[Chastising a child when they exhibit bad behavior] only increases their shame and belief inside of, "See? This part of me is so bad and so unlovable."
What happens if a parent chooses the discipline route and yells at their child for hitting? How can they repair the connection with their kid?
The key elements to a repair — or some version of saying you're sorry — is sharing your reflections with your kid about what happened, then saying what you wish you had done differently.
Something like, "Hey, last week something happened and maybe you're not remembering it, but I'm remembering it and I want to bring it up again. I yelled at you big time. I was having a lot going on at work and I was having big feelings that came out in a yelling voice. And just like we talk about you learning to manage feelings, well, guess what? I'm still learning that too. It's never your fault when I yell. I love you."
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What to Know About Seasonal Depression
What to Know About Seasonal Depression
If you notice drastic shifts in your mood during certain times of the year, you could have seasonal affective disorder. Here are answers to your top questions about the condition.
By Hannah Seo
Published Oct. 21, 2022Updated Oct. 21, 2022
The fall and winter months often signal the season of celebration and holidays. But for many, the darker, colder days herald another type of period: one of fatigue, lethargy and depression.
Seasonal affective disorder, or SAD — a type of depression that occurs with the changing of the seasons — can affect up to 10 percent of people in the United States, depending on where they live. Here are some of the most frequently asked questions about seasonal affective disorder, with answers from experts.
What exactly is seasonal affective disorder?
“One big, common misconception about SAD is that it’s just the ‘winter blues,’” said Kelly Rohan, a professor of psychological science and a clinical psychologist at the University of Vermont. When the days get grayer and colder and the holidays are around the corner, it’s not unusual to experience temporary feelings of malaise, tiredness or stress. But seasonal affective disorder is much more serious — a form of clinical depression, Dr. Rohan said — with symptoms that can last longer, and that come and go with the seasons.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, you may have seasonal affective disorder if you experience certain symptoms that start and stop during specific months, and that occur for at least two consecutive years. These can include near-constant and daily feelings of depression, loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy, changes to your appetite or weight, sluggishness and low energy, trouble falling asleep or oversleeping during the day, or even thoughts of death or suicide.
Most people who have seasonal affective disorder have winter-pattern SAD (or winter depression), where symptoms begin in the late fall or early winter and go away during the spring and summer. But SAD can also occur during the spring and summer months, called summer-pattern SAD (or summer depression).
SAD is much more common in women than it is in men, and in those living in the northern regions of the United States — like Alaska or New England — than in those living in Southern regions, like Florida. It can also sometimes run in families.
“People may not appreciate how severely someone who has SAD is affected,” said Dr. Paul Desan, a psychiatrist at the Yale School of Medicine. For some people, he added, “their life just shuts down for half the year.”
What causes seasonal affective disorder?
For those with winter SAD, shorter, darker days are what trigger depressive symptoms, Dr. Rohan said. But experts don’t know exactly why this happens.
A leading theory has to do with a shift in the biological clock. Normally, the body produces melatonin at night, which helps promote sleep. When the levels of melatonin taper off as sunrise approaches, that helps people wake up. But if you have winter SAD, melatonin peaks later and lingers for longer into the morning, making it harder to wake up and leaving you fatigued and groggy. Because you don’t reach peak wakefulness until later in the day, it’s harder to fall asleep once evening comes — perpetuating a cycle of insomnia, inadequate sleep and fatigue, and exacerbating depressive symptoms.
Most people who are vulnerable to SAD are most likely always susceptible to feeling down, said Kathryn Roecklein, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh. But in the winter, light levels fall below a threshold and suddenly things are off balance.
There’s also some evidence that the negative anticipation of shorter days — thinking, for instance, “I just don’t function well in the winter” or “I’m going to start feeling poorly soon,” Dr. Roecklein said — can combine with biological effects to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How long does seasonal depression last?
While this can vary from person to person, SAD symptoms can linger for quite a while — up to five months for some, said Dr. Lily Yan, an associate professor of psychology at Michigan State University.
Most people who have winter SAD will begin noticing symptoms between October and November, Dr. Rohan said. But if you live in parts of the country where people are more susceptible, you may notice them earlier in the fall. Stressful life events, like work instability or grieving a loved one, might also kick off depressive episodes earlier than usual.
The most severe symptoms tend to occur in January and February, Dr. Yan said. Some experts think this happens because of the accumulated effects of SAD over time, she said. The longer you have symptoms, the worse they get. But people tend to start feeling better once spring and early summer roll around.
Symptoms of summer-pattern SAD, which is much less common, tend to start in the spring and end around the beginning of fall.
What are the best ways to manage seasonal depression?
The good news, experts say, is that there are several evidence-backed ways to find relief.
Bright light therapy
“Bright light treatment first thing in the morning dramatically improves the vast majority of people with seasonal affective disorder,” Dr. Desan said. This involves sitting in front of a light therapy box, which mimics outdoor light, for about 30 minutes every day right when you wake up, preferably early in the morning. This should stimulate your body to produce the right hormones to increase your wakefulness and alertness to get you through the day, Dr. Desan said.
Just make sure to use it properly. If you don’t use it early enough, it may not work; and if you use it too late in the day, it could exacerbate insomnia, Dr. Rohan said. Most experts recommend using light therapy lamps before 8 a.m.
Plenty of lamps out there won’t do you any good, Dr. Desan said. When searching for a light therapy lamp, you want one that advertises 10,000 lux brightness — the equivalent of a bright summer morning. A good light therapy lamp should also be “full spectrum,” he said, meaning it emits light that closely mimics natural morning sunlight. Unfortunately, it’s challenging to know exactly what you’re getting, since light therapy lamps aren’t regulated. To help guide buyers, Dr. Desan’s lab at Yale has clinically vetted a number of lamps, and listed its recommendations on its website.
If you think you have seasonal affective disorder, consult with a therapist or psychiatrist before deciding on a treatment plan. They can offer guidance on the best plan for you — and if it involves bright light therapy, they can teach you how to do it properly, Dr. Rohan added.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (C.B.T.)
C.B.T., a form of talk therapy that aims to shift faulty or unhelpful ways of thinking, can also be beneficial, Dr. Rohan said. If you say things like, “I hate winter” during a session, she said, the therapist will try to reposition those negative thoughts. “Even if we could take it down a notch to, ‘I prefer summer to winter,’” she said, that can result in a big shift in symptoms and mood.
Because cognitive behavioral therapy for SAD involves retraining your negative associations with darker months, it is the only treatment that could have long term benefits after doing it just once, Dr. Roecklein said. “It works in the winter when that person comes in for a treatment,” she said, “but then it also protects them from depression the next winter and the winter after that.”
Antidepressant medications
Seasonal depression can also be treated with antidepressant medications, like the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors fluoxetine (Prozac), citalopram (Celexa), sertraline (Zoloft), paroxetine (Paxil) and escitalopram (Lexapro).
Bupropion (Wellbutrin), another type of antidepressant medication, is the only drug approved by the Food and Drug Administration to prevent recurrences of seasonal major depressive episodes. If prescribed this medication for winter SAD, you would take it once a day from fall to early spring.
If you’re tempted to try certain supplements like folic acid, B12 or vitamin D, don’t waste your money, Dr. Roecklein said. Unless you have a true deficiency, she said, there is “zero evidence that taking supplements” will work for treating or preventing seasonal affective disorder.
A dose of the outdoors
Simply going outside can also help boost your mood, Dr. Yan said. Even if it looks a little gray, the quality of light on a winter morning will be better than what you can get in your home. And an excursion will most likely boost your mental health too, she added.
Replacing your favorite summertime activities with similar wintertime activities can “bring a sense of enjoyment into life,” Dr. Rohan said. If your favorite summer activity is lounging by a lake, she said, you can still do a version of that — maybe strap on some snowshoes and walk around, or try skating or sledding. “It may take some creativity and problem-solving,” she said, but it will help you find a way to positively engage with the season.
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12 Ways to Help a Loved One Grieve
Simply being present is often the best way to support someone who’s grieving after loss.
Medically reviewed by Joseph Ebinger, MD, MS, FACC
Aug. 4, 2023, at 2:21 p.m.
Loss is a part of life.
Life is full of ups and downs. But one of the most difficult experiences that everyone faces is loss. Whether it's of a family member, close friend, job, home or other critical aspect of identity, loss typically triggers a grief response.
“Grief is a range of emotions, sensations and behaviors,” explains Heather L. McGinty, assistant professor in the department of psychiatry and behavioral health at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center in Columbus.
Grief can be complex.
Grief is difficult to bear, both as the person directly experiencing it and as someone trying to support another going through it. The grieving person may feel a range of emotions, including:
Longing.
Guilt.
Frustration or anger.
Betrayal.
Fear.
Acceptance.
“Many people feel rather numb and may show limited emotions and not know why,” McGinty adds.
Sudden changes in emotions are common, she says, and they can occur in waves or at unexpected times after a major loss.
Grief can feel physical.
McGinty adds that some people may actually experience physical sensations along with a host of emotions. Some people report feeling a “sensation of heaviness, a knot, hollowness or emptiness all over or in specific parts of the body," she explains. "Some may feel more tired or fatigued, lethargic, unable to sleep or have a low appetite.”
Rachel Gloer, vice president of whole person care at Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services in Los Angeles, notes that grief can also manifest as headaches, stomachaches and other physical pains.
The emotional aspect of grief “can lead to challenges in decision-making and concentration, as well as memory lapse and forgetfulness,” Gloer adds. Some people may also be overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts related to the loss.
1. Check that the person wants your support.
If you’re trying to support someone who’s coping with grief, that’s a great thing. But be aware that not everyone responds to grief the same way, so it’s best to proceed with care.
“Always try to ask if the support you hope to offer is welcomed by the loved one,” says Charleen Lewis, a social worker at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center's Harding Hospital.
Everyone grieves differently, and some people prefer to find their own way. Be sensitive to the needs of your loved one, and adjust your supportive efforts to conform to what makes them comfortable.
2. Listen.
McGinty recommends taking time to listen and using the phase: "I want to check in and see how you're doing."
"Some people may not be ready to talk about their emotions or feel too overwhelmed by their feelings to share them with others," she adds. "We can know best how to support people when we let them know we are there for them but also allow them space if they request it.”
If you're struggling to find the right words, stick with honesty.
“If you feel like you don’t know what to say but would like to help, this is a perfectly OK sentiment to share," McGinty says. "Oftentimes, people are at a loss for words or worry that what they say may seem hollow or unhelpful. If this is the case, you may simply state that.”
3. Offer to take over specific tasks.
Many people tell a person who’s grieving to “let me know if I can help.” This is a great offer. The problem, however, is it puts the task on the person who’s grieving to communicate what it is they need or want done.
Certainly, some people are able to articulate those needs and will do so. But for many other people experiencing grief, they’re overwhelmed by what’s happening and not able to make decisions or express needs in any meaningful way.
Plus, “none of us alone can meet every aspect of a person’s needs,” McGinty points out.
Instead, offer something clearer or more specific, such as:
I want to be here for you. I’d like to take you out to coffee or lunch when you feel ready.
I’ll pray for you and your family.
I’ll text you to check in again in a few days.
I can come by and spend time with you tomorrow afternoon if you’d like some company.
I would like to treat you to something special to cheer you up. Would you like to … ? (You fill in the blank based on your relationship.)
I know this can be an overwhelming time. Do you need any help with tasks like … ? I would be happy to help with those this month.
Lewis adds that specific tasks a grieving person may want assistance with may include:
Yardwork.
Running errands.
Offering to help with organizing spiritual rituals that have meaning for the person.
But she cautions that you should be sure to ask first.
“Avoid just doing something you believe the loved one will appreciate," she says. "Feeling a loss of control of life is a frequent part of grief, so asking permission to do something becomes more important.”
4. Avoid saying you know how the person feels.
Relationships are complex, and there may be many conflicting emotions in play when someone is grieving a loss, including:
Feelings of abandonment.
Helplessness.
Guilt.
Confusion.
Fear of the future.
Regret.
Relief that suffering has ended.
Jennifer Jordan, manager of behavioral health clinical services at L.A. Care Health Plan, notes that grief is a personal process and may not fit a narrow definition of what it should look like.
“The truth is grief looks different for everyone who experiences it,” she points out.
Therefore, just because you think you understand the situation and are trying to empathize, that doesn’t mean you know what the person is feeling or thinking.
“Grief is as unique as the person grieving and the relationships with the person they have lost, so assumptions are risky,” Lewis cautions.
5. Avoid judgment.
People find different ways to cope with loss, so you may not agree with or understand how someone is behaving in the aftermath of a loss.
“Because a person may be experiencing a great deal of pain and perhaps is unsure how to process these emotions, there may be times where they say things or act in ways that may be out of character for that person,” Jordan explains. “In these moments, be present, sympathetic and understanding for the person rather than judging them.”
6. Avoid platitudes.
While common sayings might be helpful for some people, they can come across as insensitive or uncaring to others. For example, phrases such as “everything happens for a reason” or “they’re in a better place” may be mismatched with the grieving person's beliefs.
“Grief is not a good time to impose your beliefs or personal philosophies on others unless you’re asked to offer them,” McGinty explains. “If you don’t know their beliefs on religion or an afterlife, it’s best not to assume they’ll see things the same way you do.”
7. Avoid leaning too heavily on the bereaved.
When someone dies, everyone in their circle will be grieving to some extent, and you need to be aware that you may be grieving too. But in doing so, it’s important to avoid leaning too heavily on the bereaved.
Often, people tend to reach out to spouses, parents or siblings for support, but if they're grieving as well, it may be harder to find needed support.
"You don’t have to avoid telling the bereaved that you’re also grieving, but be sure they’re not the only people you go to for support,” McGinty advises.
8. Don’t neglect your own needs.
During grief, it can be easy to focus so heavily on the most affected survivor that you forget to take care of yourself. But self-care matters.
Jordan encourages those supporting a grieving friend or loved one to maintain their routines as much as possible.
“Continue to do the things in your life that help manage and reduce stress," she advises. "Do not feel like this person’s grief is solely on your shoulders to support. If you do not engage in these items, you are also at risk for burning yourself out and feeling overwhelmed, stressed or fatigued.”
9. But don’t disappear.
“If you feel like you’re not good support or shouldn’t be around them to preserve your own well-being, don’t simply disappear. Find a way to share that you need some time apart if the bereaved reaches out to you,” McGinty cautions.
Saying something like, “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. I’m struggling to be a good support and don’t wish to burden you” lets the person know what’s going on without placing any specific expectations on either of you.
“You don’t need to immediately ask for forgiveness or understanding, which may put the onus on the bereaved," McGinty adds. "You don’t need to explain the reason why you may be struggling right away if you aren’t ready.”
10. Encourage additional support.
Some people may need to seek additional help and support after a loss.
It’s time to seek professional help "when the person’s reactions to the loss seriously affect their sense of self, result in persistent anxiety that drains their life energy or result in chronic fatigue from difficulty sleeping," Lewis says.
A counselor, social worker or other mental health professional can help the grieving person work through their loss and the often complex emotions that surround it in a meaningful way. Support groups can also be a good resource for those grieving.
Jordan notes that grief that persists or interferes with daily functioning should be addressed professionally as well, as should any thoughts of suicide.
For those experiencing physical aches and pains alongside their grief, checking in with your physician should be a priority.
"We know that caregivers may delay their own health care while caring for a loved one who had a prolonged illness before their death," McGinty says. "Your doctor may also recommend treatments for emotional distress if you’re feeling overwhelmed or unable to complete tasks you need to do.”
11. Know that grief isn’t just about death.
While we typically associate the term “grief” with death, this emotion crops up in other contexts too.
“The loss of a marriage or a committed partner, the loss of an important career, the loss of a close friend to conflict, estrangement from family members and loss of personal, physical or cognitive functions all result in grief,” she explains.
What’s more, in the context of the death of a loved one, there can be additional grief for the survivor associated with their relationship to the deceased.
“I think one of the biggest things about grief that’s often overlooked is not only is the person experiencing grief from the loss of the person, but they could also be grieving a loss of their own sense of identity,” Jordan says.
12. Recognize that grief takes time.
Lastly, grief is not a linear progression, and each person advances through it in their own way and at their own pace.
“There’s no timeline or one-size-fits-all cure for grief," McGinty says. "The loss may be most acute when we wish the person we lost were there, both for happy moments and for difficult moments. It’s a natural and healthy response to feel numb at times when grieving and has no bearing on how much you loved the person who died.”
Top ways to help a loved one grieve:
Check that the person wants your support.
Listen.
Offer to take on specific tasks.
Avoid saying you know how the person feels.
Avoid judgment.
Avoid platitudes.
Avoid leaning too heavily on the bereaved.
Don't neglect your own needs.
But don’t disappear.
Encourage additional support.
Know that grief isn’t just about death.
Recognize that grief takes time.
